Meli$sakam!

TypeLove

2010-03-08T00:13:00.000-08:00

"Yeah, okay, I want a love like me thinking of you thinking of me thinking of you type love, but I want that real love, none of that fake "I love you" shit. I want that kind of love where both of us turn our playa skills on just to get each other's attention type love. The love where at first, it's hard to even get each other but then it's hard to not to talk to each other everyday type love. The kind of love where you meet each other with such randomness that meeting each other couldn't have happened unless you were at that exact right time and place, the way it did happen. The type of love where we hear that "he said, she said" or "he did, she did" this and that type love. The kind of love where all your friends and maybe even your family members were against us two but we still continued to have relations type love. That love type love where you prove everyone wrong about "moving too fast" or "moving too slow" because obviously we're doing something right because here we are, still, doing great. I want that love that is undercover and nobody knows type love, but everyone can't help but to turn their heads and make an effort to know about us type love. The type of love where we can honestly say "I'm a playa yeah it's true, but I changed the game for you," just like Lloyd did, type love. I want a love where we do hella cute things for each other that you'll only see happen in high school type love. The love where I can call you a sweet thang and an ass at the same time, and yet it works, type love. That love type love where you have a sense that your someone special is your other half and you wonder where they've been your whole life. The kind of love where, when a certain song plays, you can't help but to think of that special someone. I want a love where the trust is hella tight in the relationship, that going out with anyone at anytime isn't a problem because I ain't tryna have some psycho, controlling, jealous fool as my man, type love. That love where at first, nothing but the fatal attraction of lust occurs and you can't help the fact that you can't keep your hands off each other type love. I want a love type love where my phone bill is filled with hours and hours of phone calls from just that one person. The kind of love where you have outrageous stories to tell each other and there's not one single awkward moment type love. That love where no matter what you're doing, or where you're at, you're constantly replaying the times you've spend with your significant other; Like a scene in a movie. Or even that teenage baby love type love where I can go to sleep at night talking on the phone, saying goodnight and wake up the next morning with you still right there on the phone to greet me good morning. You see, I want a love where I "don't wanna play no games, I want you exclusive" type love. As of right now, being an amateur, all I feel is lust, like, and intense infatuation type love, but I'm young, a teenager living life, who's not looking but waiting for that "love type love." All I have to offer is this MELISSA type love which comes in many different shapes and forms for specific people like that special person, family, and friends. And in some particular way, this one goes out to you, you, and you."

melissakami.tumblr.com

2009-11-01T22:38:00.000-08:00

"Walking away isn't the hardest part. The most difficult thing to do, is
telling yourself you can't look back."

Melissakami.tumblr.com
Melissakami.tumblr.com
Melissakami.tumblr.com

SANDEIGO

2009-09-08T15:58:00.000-07:00

WAS BOMB! I learned how to surf, got a bit burnt, got closer to people, and go to know everyone better. Despite the gross food I had a great time (:

I've realized alot from this retreat. I'm not gonna say I'm a changed person, but my views have changed in a lot of ways. You'll see.

It was the summer time!;

2009-08-30T21:38:00.000-07:00

When we fell in love!;

Summers officially over, &our love is officially done. Can't go back in time and change what should, woulda, coulda been. Only can learn from the past and present. Alots been happying this past week. Monday first day. Tuesday school &work. Wednesday school &shopping. Thursday school &work. Friday school &work. Saturday kickit with Steph &em and work. Sunday hair cut &work.

This coming week is gonna only be even longerrrrrr and harder! :[ Funeral service, school &work. Her death has gotten me, it's been killing me. I can't explain it, there's soo much to say yet litte word choice to choose from. I haven't talked to anyone about it, not family, not friends, not even donald ducky. :[ I feel like I'm gonna break down soon, it's soo difficult. Yesterday I felt as if I was slipping up, I kept messing up at work and I just wanted to cry.. I don't even know why. But today was different. Today I felt soo much better and today went soo good. So I guess what doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

I have alot on my mind, especially things about you. I have soo many questions in my head, but its too late now. I have to learn to let go &move on. It's hard, especially when you have options, but non appeal to you cause all i want is that priority. Yet I'm only an options to him. I wish you the best of luck &you find that replacement girl. My love life is officially on pause or disappeared. I'm focusing on school and work. I miss your friendship, I miss our deep talks, our insidejokes, and our akward squids. I miss you alot. But I just don't know in what way anymore.

Ughs I have soo much to say, but I don't feel like typing anymore.

Gnight sweet dreams &sleep tight, don't let melissa bite.

Love always and foreva♥

Senior year begins;

2009-08-26T19:18:00.000-07:00

So First day of school was a few days ago and I've been busy since. ASB, work, classes all got me focused. Lately I've been trying to be strong. I've been trying to see my life without you. Honestly, it's hard. I miss you soo much. But there's nothing I can do about it. Your right, we can't be friends. It's either we talk to work things out or we let it go and go our seperate ways. Talking will just hold one another back. :[ I don't wanna let go, I don't wanna move on. I wanna work it out, but it just doesn't seem like that'll happen. It's hard letting go of someone you truly care for, someone you've made soo many memories with. But school's been getting to me. Dawdy actually made some sense to me today. He was telling us about his highschool love story. He talked to us about how we must give one another space, to have our own lives. We had a life before the one we met and we'll have one after them. &I before I was soo blind to that. I forgot about having MY OWN LIFE. I centered my life around our relationship. Not talking to you has shown me, my life. I've been too busy to even think of the pain. I think we woulda been better being together now than before. Now I actually know what space is, how to give it and the meaning of it. It's not to look for another potential lover, but to have time on your own and do your own thang. Another thing I learned was from Cole in physcology class. Girls and boys work differently and the same. Jealousy plays a big factor in a relationship. Clingyness = insecurity. Nojoke I'll admit I was insecure about our relationship. I felt I never knew what you were doing, &my trust for you was low. But then I realized, how my trust for you was actually increasing. I'm used to not talking on the phone at night or texting all day which shows I'm not as insecure of our relationship cause before I did it so I knew what you were doing &you were thinking of me. I've realized alot lately... I just wished you did too. I wished you missed me as much as I missed you, I wish you could somehow swollow your pride and call me..because I realized why should I make you my priority still, when now I'm simply just an option to you.. I miss being a big part of your life, while you still are in mine. Senior year feels like it's missing something and I know what it is, it's you. I always pictured my senior year; me busy with school, asb, work, but at the end of my long day thinking of you, talking to you, loving you. But I guess things change &endings are never what we expect.

P.S. I'm still not over you.

First week of a breakup.

2009-08-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Miss StephanieK I feel soo much better<3 I love you Steph.
I guess it was bound to happen. I wish it didn't but it did. I wish alot of things but I can't change anything. ughs so much to say but I just don't know where to start. Maybe later when I can think straight. for now, I realized how many people care about me. I'm very thankful for all my friends who have been there for me &care for me. Thank you for everything<3

It's sweet how people I don't really talk to still care for me, makes me feel I'm actually a good person..

ill ee s e n tx: :O aw, you okay?
misabaybay: hey melissa i just wanted to make sure you were alirght. just couldnt help but notice with your away message, and some what myspace..i know your a strong woman and don't be hesitant to text me or anything. eventhough we dont talk to eachother as much. but you know i'm here to listen<3
kevstarrrrr: keep your head up, you can get through it. im hear to listen if you ever want to talk

NEW PHONE NEW NUMBER

2009-08-13T10:29:00.001-07:00

delete old texting phone number 626786559
I have one fone now for texting&calling!
6262712934; yes its verizon!

He kept his promise

2009-07-31T00:46:00.001-07:00

&I'm starting to fall all over in love again<3

Thankyou for taking to me to LA yesterday babe. Thankyou for keeping your promise. Thankyou for taking me to our secret garden[; and thankyou for spending time with me before you left to Hawaii. I love you lots, miss you even more! :[ <3

Reality check!

2009-07-29T00:02:00.000-07:00

I've notice I'm maturing more and more because of work. I've become more social and more responsible. I sorta like it. [: Today work was busy and felt like forever. Went out with my twin cousin, physco b!z, &dog caller. I love kicking it with them even though there all older than me :[ Their talks about college life and making plans to visit eachother really made me feel as if I was born in the wrong generation. I'm ready to go to college, live on my own, and start fresh. I feel as if my senior year will only be a waste of time. :[ I know its bad to be so pestimistic and all but seriouuusly, I'm not even exceited for the dances.. or football games or anything! :[ There's not much to look forward to. I think my senior years gonna be mostly school, asb, work. I'm gonna be more focused fsure. I'm gonna retake my SAT's I needa break ATLEAST 1600. :[ Idk, but I have a feeling my love life is soon going to change also. Lately I've been feeling good, good without worrying about someone, good not feeling tied down, and good just being alone or with friends having fun! Before I usedto always think I needed someone to talk to at night, someone to care for, someone to be cutesy with; but the past days without you showed me I've waaaay too busy now. Every day after work I'm soo tired I don't wanna do anything I just wanna sleep. And when I don't work I just wanna kickit with my homegirls or small lunch/dinner pickups with a homie or just chill at home. :[ maybe its just cause you've been gone.. or maybe its cause I've felt as if we've been drifting for a while. I don't know what it is. But I know I do miss you. I know I just want things to go back to the way it used to be or better. I just wanna fall in love all over again. I want it back to when it was just me &you. Not you and me, and me worrying about her.. I hate how just her bugs me soo much and questions my relationship with you. I know I should trust you I know I shouldnt think anything but damn can you blame me? You made things seem soo shady and you still do. I don't trust you to be straightup I don't. You don't do anything to make me trust you either. I just don't know. You know she bugs me and yet you don't do anything about it. You don't even stop tryna talk to her.. shows how much you care about me. Thanks. :/ blah I feel so gay now. What happen to those stars that made up dinosaurs, hippos, hearts, and duckys :[ I miss those boring nights<3

Lonnnnnnnng day in Torrance

2009-07-28T00:16:00.001-07:00

Met new people, experienced a drifting car crash, booked it home. Long day &I'm pooped. :[ Confusion in the air? Sometimes I wonder what if, or how would it be. Lately, it's been sounding reeal good. I just miss the way it used to be. Baby, don't get TOO comfortable, please.

Happiness is coming my way!

2009-07-25T02:30:00.000-07:00

Ohhhboy how good this day had turned out![:

First of all, me&my bffe are good! I'm soo happy for him &his new girlfriend [: I can't wait for bonding time, double dating, exchanging dance pictures, &all that other good stuff! [: I'm soo happy for them two, finallllly he's found a girl who's right for him! And mosdef will treat him right![; Though we had a small misunderstanding, everything COULDNT BE BETTER! [: I can't wait to get to know my bffe's girlfriend better, maybe she can become a new BFFE to me [: Go shopping, girl talks, chick flick movie nights, &all that cutesy stuff! [: Yayayayay!

Anooother wonderful thing,
Today's breakup-talk reeallly hit both of us HARD. Which help both of us OPEN our eyes. Funny how one of your own close friends said, "We'd stay broken up max for two weeks." But in reality it lasted for two hours. It's soo hard to breakup &we both don't even have reason, like you said, "yknooow you shouldnt be broken up when you don't even know the reason for breaking up." Baaaby, you makeee me feel that feeling that no one else can make. I wouldn't do the crazy things I do for you for anyone else. [: Thankyou for making my night with your myspace song. The little things do count<3

[:

:[ sad note i just got off work &I'm pooped. Gotta wakeup early to take my brother to work than meetings &work again :[ booooooooo workful weekend!

busy mind busy mind

2009-07-24T10:15:00.000-07:00

My mind is filled with information, thoughts, feelings, and confusion. Lately alot has happen. Losing a bffe to losing a boyfriendbestfriend? I haveee no cluee what's going on. First its, "Get out of my life! Just leave me alone!" I turn my head to leave and then its, "NOO! DON'T LEAVE!" MAKE UP YOUR MINDS, both of you.. I can only take soo much pain and heartache. BFFE, you cut me deep. You hurt me more than any boy has. I hold no grudges on you or her or her mother, but it doesn't change the fact that I will always remember the pain you put me through.. I wish I could say things can go back to the way it was before. But I can't honestly say it will. Just give me sometime, I promise I won't let this friendship die. But please understand I'm still hurting. PleasepleasepleasePLEASE, don't let HER think its her fault or have her feel bad CAUSE this has NOTHING to do with her or her mother. I understand the situation and their actions for it I hold nothing against them, it just still hurts. To know you were soo down to giveup our friendship in a matter of seconds. It makes me question who I am to you. :/

Two boys that mean the world to me have been playing emotion games with me. Baby you can't keep telling me to go, but when I step you won't let go. It's either you get widit or you leave it! So make up your mind cause I really can't take anymore of this yes no maybe booboo games. I know it'll hurt for you to leave, but I know as you know we will both get through it. We're strong people, we're loving people and if we can't love eachother we must use our love to love someone else. Cause everyone needs to be love and to love. The two weeks that your gone will help us see if we will make it or break through this 13month stage. I hope for us to succeed, but God may have differen't plans for us. I keep my promises and I still keep my word, If your down I'm down. I just need to see some more loving to tell me to stay. I wanna get our of the comfortable zone and let us step back into the "I really do love you" zone, please. Hopefully today goes well. Still waiting for a phone call from you. Wakeup soon baby, so I can see you. &we can pickup my paycheck &I'll treatchu out ;]

This summers been full of unexpected twist, but it is making my summer moreee interesting ! Hahah, thankyou to all the friends I've had for years &thankyou to the new friends I've made so recently for making this summer a summer never to forget. Serrriooously! [: <3

P.S Kristina, I'd like to meet your mom one day [:

Happy 13months of dating.

2009-07-22T18:03:00.000-07:00

Loveyou<3 :[ Two weeks withoutchu sounds reeeal hard, right now.
Gotta make the most of this week with you, before I'm without you.

Today I realized...

2009-07-18T00:29:00.000-07:00

I am a psychotic b!tch. I have crazy mood swings & jealousy takes me to my craziest. I tend to run back to things that I'm comfortable with and I embrace the things that push me away the most. To some I may seem loud spontaneous friendly and fun and to him I am a crazy psychotic abusive controlling player-minded shlut. Well guess what, TRUEE MOTHER LOVIN STORY. I am everything everyone says I am. And IDGAF. I won't deny it. I can be a shlut; no I don't suck dick &no I dont eff every guy I see, but I can wear "slutty" stuff sometimes. So what get off my d!ck about it. We all have our "slutty" moments or times where we feel like a slut by the way we dress or the choices we make. But say effit shiz happens! Player-minded?; shooot keep yah heart 3 stacks riigh? I fall, I really do and times I can't get back up. But I ain't no dumbfck I keep my eyes open and keep my heart closed. I aint tryna get played or cheated on, so player mentality is a necessity. Yes I am bossy, cause I AM BOSS. Ms. Independent to the moloving fulllest, baby. I a tough little girl, I stand up for myself. Try to step up to me? Yeah I will sock you in the throat. I will hit you if you piss me off. Point proven. Psychotic? Just a tad bit. My actions may seem crazy but you've driven me to cookoo land. YOU DROVE ME TO INSANITY. HELL YES I'M CRAZY. I AM THE CRAZIEST B!TCH YOU'LL EVER MEET. I'M CRAZY IN LOVE WITH YOU. Yeah we all have our flaws and those are some of mine. I'm human, deal with it. I can be the friendliest nicest sweetest person you meet. I won't kiss ass, but I'll be real witchu, I'll tell you whatchu deserve to hear. I'll be there to calm you down when your mad, be there to wipe your tears away when your sad, and be there to tickle you to death when your happy. Being a little person I have a big personality. I gotta be loud to be heard. I know who I am and I've accepted who I am. &if you lovee me yknooow the real me; if you hate me I must hate you too [; jk. Theeen baby your missing out! Yaaa see lifes about not knowing who you are, having to change for the better, taking the moment and making the best out of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Nothing holds the future from happening sooner or later and sometimes in the future it involves change for the best or worst.
On a more important note;

"What's worth having, is worth fighting for."
I love Kyle Steven Yamamoto. I put you through hell and back and eff me in the asshole side ways with nooo lubercant boooshiit alooot of the times and your still here holding my hand through everything. I'm sorry for the fighting, the arguing, and the consistent nagging. Where ever God takes us, I hope your the one holding my hand the whole time. I love you even if we're the reason why we're both crazy now. <3

I put it down on our relationship. If your still down, I'm still down; If you don't give up, I won't. Cross my heart; Pinky promise sealed with a kiss!♥
"What's meant to be will always find it's way."

Causeee when it's 4am &he's on my mind..

2009-07-11T00:31:00.002-07:00

I stay up rewritting songs &making raps :]

Kyle I know this aint easy
So let me know if your down for me
&if your feeling the same way
See I've been noticing this for a while
And I just gotta let you know
That I'm really feeling you
Cause ever since our first date
I had to know if you were feeling the same way
So I asked if you liked me too
&you said "I'm just crushing ya"
it made me smile cause

I really fell for you
I just wanna be with you
You aint even really gotta love me
I just wanna go see you
And Maybe sometime
We can ballup eat out just chill

Damn I'm surprised a years gone by
Cause the way you used to be
I thot I wasn't gon be with you no more
Since you didn't wanna give me your heart
I thought that you were lovin me
And wasn't lovin me
But anyway were together now
I'll probably want you for keeps
If its cool with you maybe we'll work out
And it can just be us
Or you can just be with me
As long as you're comfortable
And you feel secure when your with me cause

I really fell for you
I just wanna be with you
You aint even gotta love me
I just wanna go see you
And Maybe sometime
We can ballup eat out just chill

Oh, oh, baby yeah
Maybe we can oh
Go and see a movie boy
Or maybe we can hang out boy
Whatever you wanna do
Just let me know
It's up to you

BUSYBUSYBUSY!

2009-06-30T20:49:00.000-07:00

Started trainning for all my jobs this week.
Schedule for this week ! -_-
Monday; Speedzone first day/ trainning from 5pm-10pm pretty fun!
Tuesday; PASSED MY DRIVERS LICENSE BEHIND THE WHEEL TEST; FIRST TRY BABY! [:
Red mango frozen yogurt trainning 2pm-8pm pizza yum! hella tiring! :[
Wednesday; Red mango frozen yogurt trainning 2pm-8pm going to Asia buffet! ;]
Thursday; Soft opening for Red mango frozen yogurt!
Friday; SOC octagon cosmic bowling bonding! 10pm-1am!
Saturday; Speedzone work from 1pm-6pm &fourth of july with Kyle<3
Sunday; Red mango work 10am - 2pm; Speedzone work 2pm - 7pm
Monday; Summer school 730am-1230pm; Red mango work 8pm-12am
Tuesday; Summer school 730am-1230pm; Red mango work 8pm-12am

Geeet money!

2009-06-23T21:41:00.001-07:00

Hello new jobs!;
Street team for promoting Red Mango Frozen yogurt. $15 an hour for 4hrs!
&Speedzone OH BABY let's go![: License soon to come asap!

So fcking bussssybusy lately, So tiredtireed.

Better days, are coming through.
Baby I want it all with you!<3

17th birthday!

2009-06-18T23:08:00.000-07:00

Thankyou to everyone who made my day<3

Maybe its time..

2009-06-12T11:05:00.000-07:00

Thursday; Last day of school! (: OWNED up in our Mocktrial courtcase for english finals WOOOO only class for prosecution to win! :D Played capture the flag for sport trainning final. Then went with Crisselle, Grace, and Xuan to Yes Plaza &Kareoki'ing! Then Cin &Will picked me up scooped up Justin went to Vivians to play rockband &otherrr goood stuff. Theeen went to Cj's then Fonso's basketball game. Theen Alex &Fonso came over and we watched "He's just not that into you" We all ended up falling asleep Mama Alex slept over &now it's Friday and Tricia's coming over with big news to tell me!(:

Its obvious and clear to me now,
I tried my best, I tried my hardest. But it takes two to do this. &I'm sorry but I can no longer hold up my end and yours... Have fun with everyone else, but me. It's funny how you say I want all the attention &it's always about me, but in reality it's always been about you and what you wanted. These past weeks, it's been about you. &me just taking in everything you spit at me. I'm not strong, I can't take no more. I love you, but now I feel as if I'm falling out of love with you.. I hope you don't read this. I just needed to clear my mind. I just needed to vent out, but maybe its more than that. Who knows. Everybody knows, no body really knows how to make it work or how to ease the hurt.

TWO DAYS LEFT...

2009-06-09T16:47:00.001-07:00

Of school! :[ It's soo hard to believe. It's already summer! I feel like the year went by soo quickly. Where did the time go?... Summer's gonna be fun hopefully! Birthday, summer school, road trips?!, &hangouts. Hopefully its better than last year! :D

They come &they go; you never truly know who were real and who were fake, but I know the ones that stick around are the ones Ima always be down for. Some people I've been supppppertight with have slipped away from me in a matter of days. Well your own your way to a new life, so goodluck with that. I'm not gonna try to be your friend anymore, all you do is blow me off. So, good luck. I'll always be here.
Something in me feeels empty I don't even knooow what or why! Hopefully it gets filled or I find out what it is and why. In the mean time, catching up with BFFE's really has been helping me. Thankyou<3 I love you guys!

I miss you alot. :[ I hope you feel better. <3
Hopefully, you have time for me sometime this week/weekend.
FIVE more days til our six months official. <3

You cut me deep;

2009-06-07T21:10:00.000-07:00

&now I don't know how to stand. You can't even understand.
Whatchu put me through was something unforgivable.
Its stuck in my head, its unforgetable.
Do I stay or do I go? Or let it flow?
Something just don't feel right...
I can't tell what it is, there's nothing in sight.
Tell me, are you willing to change the future,
help make our relationship muture?
I needa see effort I needa see affection
before I can come back to your love section.

UGHS. Love is very confusing.

Went to Hollywood & Universal City walk today!(: Pretty fun lots of pichas! Lakers won again, lettts go! Mmms, lifes goood. Cept one thangthang. Four days left of school! (: Birthday in 11 days! Wooooooooo!

So fcking confuuuuuuuused;

2009-06-05T17:24:00.000-07:00

"I may not understand the path you walk, but your path is not for me to understand. All that matters is you understand your path because truly, you are the only one who will ever know what it feels like to be you." -Buddah

Honestly, this week has been torture. At least physics final, sports training final, spanish final is out of the way. I don't even needa take History final to pass with an A, hard work really does pay off! I just needa get a 60% for my CrimJust final to pass with an A &English Ima probably get a pass with a B but weighted itll be an A!
Dudeeee maybe all A's except physics -_- DEEYAMN WSUP HIGH SEXY GPA! Thas what Im talking bout babyy! SAT's tmwr; FML. I needa get a good score this time -_- I do wanna go to college yaaaknoow? But I didnt study.. at all -_- Just one night.. Ima try to tonight &tmwr morning wakeup at 4am?! Best time to study as they say right?

It was the seniors last day today. Reading the stuff they wrote on my yearbook really made me miss them already! :[ Blaaaah, next year will be interesting...

Better days..

2009-06-03T17:28:00.000-07:00

Today was a better day even though it rained! :[ Busybusybusy today. Spanish officer meeting, caughtup with minyme tawneeezy!; LinkCrew banquet; dance practice &study for last finals for the week -_- Oh gwad. Stressssing and still gotta study for SAT's.

I don't want it anymore, said...

2009-06-02T18:35:00.000-07:00

I don't want it anymore? :[

It's not even that. I do want it. I just miss being able to see you and talk to you whenever I want. I guess I've been really selfish lately. I miss you soo much that I'll do anything to get attention from you... yeah what a dumb bitch move.. &I'm sorry, but I can't stand not seeing you or talking to you. How do you go from seeing eachother practically every other day or every day to once a week. From texts throughout the day and calls in the morning &night to a quick 5min talk in the morning 10 min at night &one or two texts through the day.. :[ I know I'm selfish, but baby I'm selfish cause I wantchu all to myself. :[ Blaaah, today I thought about us alot. I thought about past memories and talks with you. And yknow what I realize... "Melissa your a fcking dumbass. Stop being selfish. He's tryna get an education and all you can think of is yourself. You had soo many good times with him and yet to come. Your just being a little bitch right now so fcking stop &get over yourself. He doesn'tn need this... He needs you to be understanding and patient. Be a good girlfriend and love him even if he's physically not there cause he'll always be there spiritually and emotionally." Fuck, I'm fucking up. Ughs, I complain alot, but he's good to me. He's a good boyfriend and bestfriend. I need appreciate more. Now back to studying.

The movie UP helps soo fcking much<3 I love that movie!(:

Carl & Ellie; Kyle &Meli

Russell; Chubbywubbybaby Ami (;

"Because that's what people do.. they leap, and hope to God they can fly, because otherwise-- you just drop like a rock, wondering 'why in the hell did I jump?'. But here I am.. falling. And the only one that makes me feel like I can fly... is you."

Thanks.

2009-06-01T22:51:00.001-07:00

I was just another game. Every month was just another level to beat. You a boy playing his xbox 360. Holding the controller, the controller of my emotions, mind, body. I guess I just got played, played like a fool. If I was Call of Duty, his duty was met. He's done now. &Now he's on to the next thing on stock.

Thanks alot.

Weather's depressing me, Schools stressin me.

2009-06-01T20:53:00.000-07:00

&Baby, your messing with me.
I don't know why everythings falling through my fingertips...
I don't understand the words coming from my lips.
My worlds becoming black and white,
no color no nothang in sight.
Smiles and laughter is no longer a choice,
Arguements and fights have control of our voice.
Baby, tell me everythings gonna be okay,
Tell me our love story is gonna end our way.

Peachy - Charlie & April

Contemplating;

2009-05-30T11:36:00.000-07:00

I had a really big talk with my brother the other day &it got me really thinking about my life and my future. Well what I got from it was "Carpe Diem" seize the day. I've decided to make a realistic change to my life. This change will make me feel better emotional &mentally. This change will me feel happier inside &out. This change will change my perspective on highschool, friends, life. I started this change Thursday night &I've already felt better. I've realized life is going by quickly, just in a few more day I'll be ending Junior year and taking my first few steps into Senior year &before I know it College will be right around the corner. It's scary the thought of everything happening soo quickly and it seems as if I have no control over anything, not even my actions. The only thing right now I'm looking forward for is summer. Spending my summer vacation right by studying, summer school, kicking it with friends &family. Hopefully I get some basketball &gym time in also!(: I'm also gonna luck for a job, I think the best way to focus &be happier is if your busy all the time. When your bored &got ish to do you resort to thinking, thinking about life and whats going wrong with it. But if I'm busy I won't have time to think of the bad but instead try to focus on the good, and try to enjoy the time I have.

On another note; I know I should be happy. I know things have been getting better in some ways and worse in others. Good things; me&him are good now, I got into ASB, I got into Linkcrew, I'm spanish secretary 2009-2010, schools ending, my english grade went up!... Bad things; My physics grade is in jepordy... I feel as if my bestfriend &I are a lost cause a lost relationship that won't ever be able to go back...I feel like the friendships I have tried to reconnect with, won't ever be the same... &people I love the most are hurting the most right now.. But in life we must learn to give &take. We must learn to "compromise". When death arrives a new child is born. It's God's way to get good from evil. I know things will get better in time, but I wish it could be sooner than later. I wish I had some control on things. But wish are dreams your heart make? I suppose so! Dreams are the reality life you strive for, til they are accomplished their just goals you wish to reach.

Speaking of dreams, I've been having the weirdest dreams lately. But I feel like these dreams are speaking to me, their telling me the type of person I am, the way I am feeling and just the way I percieve things. Last night my dream showed me how jealous I can get how jealous I can be. I tend to hide my jealousy, I tend to keep it bottledup inside, which is good &bad. I always believed jelaousy ruined relationships, but without jealousy no one would ever know how much they loved or cared for a person.

Mmms, I have soo many emotions right now. Schools got me stressing and nervous as friends got me depressed and apathetic. I really miss my best friends for eternity. There's really no doubt about it. I haven't seen them in forever and a few are graduating soon...thinking about it we're already drifting we're already having no time for one another and later it won't get any better. I wished we all went to the same school.. it'd make things soo much easier. Gosh I wish for soo many things, maybe I should take control, take responsibilty and make it happen. Get ish done.

UGHS. I needa study for my four finals on Thursday & for SAT's next Saturday. -_- fuck. why is it we have to do sooo much to get a future.. If we werent always tryna be better than someone else we could maybe one day live in peace. Everyone could be relaxed and happy. Woow, Ludlams history lectures are getting to me -_-

I should be happy right? I should feel loved. I should feel relieved, but I don't.. For some reason part of me wanted it to go down the other road.. I guess I've been thinking is it really worth it? Is it really gonna last...? You hear about people marrying their high school sweethearts, but how many really do? I know it was more often back in the day, hell my parents are pretty much high school sweet hearts.. But I find those people lucky &cursed. Lucky they were able to last with someone soo long, lucky to find someone they love soo much, but cursed to never be able to experience other things, cursed for not being able to live life &find who they really were. I know the only way Ima know Im in love, is when I know who I am. When I am able to love myself, cause how am I suppose to love or let someone kno who I am when I can't do it myself, when I don't know myself. One step at a time I'm learning who I am. I'm making mistakes, I'm making choices, I'm making a difference. I'm becoming who I need to be.

"We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will cushion the blow. But the future is always changing. The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes. But one thing is certain when it finally reveals itself. The future is never the way we imagined it."

My world is falling apart.

2009-05-28T19:12:00.000-07:00

everything is going soooo wrong. I'm losing the one I love the most. My mom thinks I'm so fcking stupid. She thinks I have no backbone &let people step over me. Maybe that true, maybe. But I just don't wanna lose him. Having the pointless talk with my mom today showed me... I can't talk in my room anymore without getting yelled at. I have to some day tell them everything be open with them. They don't understand, they can't understand without knowing everything. What am I suppose to do though? Just tell them? I can't language barriers control our relationship. At least I got one thing out of what she said, "If you let someone walk over you now, they will always control you. If you begg for forgiveness, the person isn't worth it. They should be able to forgive you for any mistake you have done, as does God. Everyone's gonna messup sooner or later, everyone's gonna do something to hurt one another, but life is about learning from mistakes and forgiving the ones you love. We don't have all the time in the world to feel bitter, hurt, angry, or sad. We must use the that time to be happy, love, and enjoy life before we don't have any time at all." What she said made sense, but it doesn't excuse what I have done.

Now all I can do is ask for forgiveness, not begg for it, but ask for it.
It's your choice to forgive me or not, but I will not begg anymore.
I love you enough to know I was wrong to admit I was wrong. To make up for
everything I've done to hurt you, but love me enough to forgive me. <3

I guess it's time for the sun to set...

2009-05-18T18:09:00.002-07:00

I was never one to believe there would no longer be a you and me;
As hard it is to believe that's just the way it's gotta be.
I ain't gonna lie this isn't what I intended, this isn't what I wanted;
Yeah I made the choice and my dreams might even get haunted.
But loving you just wasn't enough.
Felt like everyday was rough.
I can't say I'm over and done with you
when in my heart I know I'm still in love with you.
They say, "Time heals all wounds" but what helps a broken heart?
My friends tell me, "Breakup with him, do whats smart."
But look at me, I'm foolish, I'm blind.
Loves got him running through my mind.
Yeah, I wanted to break up but it just don't feel right.
I hate breaking up but I hate it even more when we fight.
You sick of me I say sick of you but we crazy about eachother
even though at time we don't understand one another.
I tell you to leave but I can't see you go.
I can't make up my mind I just don't know.
I wanna make this work but I'm sick of the struggle...

To understand one another one must understand one-self.
In order to love one must love thy self.
I don't understand myself, I don't love myself.
So how do you expect me to love &understand you?

"Everybody is breaking up, let's stay together.
United we stand, divided we fall." _Ludacris.

A night to remember;

2009-05-17T17:44:00.000-07:00

prom was greeeat! Ups and downs buuut worth it!(: Pichas latah.

PROMPROMPROM!

2009-05-16T08:15:00.000-07:00

Okaaay so today's the day! Prom day! Finaaaallly! (: I wokeup around 6ishAM went back to sleep and officially wokeup around 8AM. Got a wakeup call from Kyle (: Hehe. Theeen I printed out directions to downtown Disney and Disney hotel. Nooow I'm getting everthing ready Ima need for tonight and Ima get dress to go get breakfast with my boyyfraaynd around 9ish AM theen gotta bust a mission to Walnut for my 11AM hair and makeup appointment. While boyfriend does his thang, pickup the corsages, and then picks me up. Go back to my house get dress and theeen bust it to Xpose! Hopeefully theres no long as line, planning time we're suppose to be there by 2PM. So hopefully we make it! Theeen depending on what time it is, we're gonna meet with Crisselle or go straight to downtown and meetup with them. Theeen PROMPROMPROM! Yay! I'm sooo excited! (: kaay time to get ready now!

Friday; TGIF!(: Spanish was whatevs, History watched movie, English watched movie, Physics did a lab, Sport training went to the weight room, Criminal Justice did nothang, and basketball signed in and chiiillled. It was sucha easy day today! But I got stuck loaded with homework on prom weekend wtf! -_- OHHHWELLLLS. Went with my mama to do some last minute prom shit theen Kyle picked me up. We tried taking the freeway to his house and we ended up in El Monte haha wtf.. BUUUT luckyly he had a map and I found our way home! :D .. and maybe him too haha! Got to his casa chilled for a bit, did my nails, helped him choose an outfit for his banquet, waited for his parents theen we were off to his banquet at Bishop Amat highschool. It was cutee and fun. Met some of his teammates and apparently I got complimented and was called cute (: hehe yay! Theen went back to Kyle's played basketball and theeen I gave him a massage which was a success cause I give good massages :D He wanted to give me a foot massage which was a FAIL cause I'm supppper ticklish to the max! So instead he gave me a backmassage. (: Theen daddy came to pick me up. Phone with Kylee then showered and went to sleeep!

Three more days til..

2009-05-13T19:49:00.000-07:00

PROMPROMPROMPROMPROM! OHBABY AM I EXCITED! :] Lemme talks bout my EPICFAIL. I was suppose to get my braces off yesterday but they only took off the inside shit &I gotta go back in 2weeks to take off my braces.. at least they'll be off in time before summah!(: Prom is no longer a stress, I'm letting it flow. Got everything mostly done, I'm just pretty excited! My parents know about my belly piercing now but their pretty whatevs about it. I got my period today majooor cramps :[

Thursday; School, Basketball, Weight training, Kyle's brother's house for birthday dinner?!

Friday; School, No basketball practice; Pickup dress; Kyle's banquet!

Saturday; Get woken up by Kyle, Catch breakfast with Kyle, Get my hair&makeup done,
go take pictures at Xpose, bust a mission to downtown Disney, Theeen PROM TIME! :D

Yeeahbaby! I can't waiiiit til today's over! Hahaha. I miss my boyfriend :[ I'm hungrry. I have cramps.. FUCK. Hahaha. Lovemylife.com?!

Exceeeeeeept one thing. Its soo weird and akward whenever I walk through the halls or run into you.. we've stopped talking and I'm sure you have no clue why. Well to be honest I'm not gonna approach you about it, but maybe some day you'll wonder why and ask.. I do miss you though.

I was suppose to..

2009-05-12T22:02:00.000-07:00

get my braces in time for prom. FAIL. only got those stupid retainer type thang off. in two weeks the brackets and everything come off! my mom saw my belly piercing she didn't trip made me tell my dad he was joking about it. soo I guess its all good?! Prom this weekend. filled with facking stresss... but its gonna be worth it!

I love you; no doubt bout that baby.<3

I feeeel likeeee

2009-05-05T20:16:00.000-07:00

I'm going back to ASB nerd stattuuuus again (: YAY! I love my life like that! Finished my application &all that good shiii! I've been getting involved with alot lately and well I like it. I like being busy, so heree goes the job searching &club joining.

Oh &I'm starting not to give a fuck boutchur shit anyyymore, if you can tell (: Yeah Nigga get used to it. I'm fedup with your shit &the drama you bring! Sorrry<3

Selfishness &caring too much;

2009-05-04T22:37:00.000-07:00

Hm, I tend to fall into both categories, but at least one more than the other. I know for a fact I am WAAAY too caring and sometimes even maybe should be more selfish. Do what makes me happy for once. I'm sick of hearing everyone tell me "Do what makes you happy" "Fck what they want" "Do whatchu want" Cause no matter how many times you tell me I just wont. All I do is try to make others happy.. But not til now have I been to this point, the point where I'm sick of pleasing. I want to be pleased for once. I want to do somethang I won't regret and be happy with. So I say screew it, Ima do WHAT I WANT, IDGF! Nopeee crying over the same shit just loses its worth. Honestly speaking, I don't know if its worth it anymore; worth the tears, the lack of sleep, unhealthy habits, hurting, low self-esteem. NOPEEE! I'm done.

Emotional rollercoaster!;

2009-05-03T19:13:00.000-07:00

Friday; School; Basketball practice outside! -_- I got sunburnt on my cheeks; Grabbed some grub at Jack In the Box with boyfriend; St. Martha's with a mix of drama; BFFE quick catchup.

Saturday; Wokeup late; Target with mommy, brother, &cousin; Lunch; Walnut Choir performance; theen busted an emergency mission; ended on a bad note, my fault &I'm sorry! :[

Sunday; Wokeup; started off bad but ended better; Prom dress shopping in LA for about 3 hours found my Teal dress got it altered so now I'm set!; Little Tokyo for lunch and walked around and got Italian Icecream yumm!; Prom stress is slowly decreasing. Last week to buy &refund tickets. Hopefully I buy his ticket :[

Lately shits been crazy between me &you, but baby I'd rather be witchu than withoutcha! Causee when "love knocks you down, just gotta get back up when it knocks you down." Just gotta make this work. <3

Values and the little things;

2009-04-30T21:26:00.000-07:00

So I didn't go to school today, instead I kicked it with my cousin and did all my homework and projects. I went to the mall with my cousin so he could get a haircut and buy a few things. Fun stuff, also got to talk to him about his girlfriend and relationships in general. Now I needa figure out my values in life, my future, and what I wanna do. Theen I gotta see if we both have the same values for the future and if the little things are things we can live with or can't.

1.) Values (Future)
2.) Little things (Everyday)

SOsosososo!

2009-04-29T21:28:00.000-07:00

I enjoy these random texts, haha I don't know why but they make me smile.
Ykno those "you look hella stupid" smiles when reading a text, yeah thaaas it!(:

OHYEAH, me&Kels build the tallest paper tower in Physics class today. We won the contest! 108 cm baby! Getttt some! Ohgosh he has me talking like him -_-
No school for me tmwr? Most likely! Didn't feel good today &mama has the flu gotta
take care of her :[ But I want my baby Yoshi!

Stressss-level decreasing!

2009-04-28T21:58:00.001-07:00

Cousin from Argentina came yesterday!(: was reeeal chill &fun the first day! Kyle made me proud &had a good conversation with him &theeen we went to dinner twas fun! Last day of testing was todaay finally! Finished my sonnet packet &history hw for this week! :D yes back to school beast mode! I have a 79.6% in Honors English which would be 89.6% on my report card Fuck if I raise that to a 80 I'd have an A! :[ I really needa focus! Day two of cousin being here waaas chill, family dinners are great!(: tmwr dance -_- can't wait to get yelled at.. Ohwell! I bought my prom ticket just needa find a corsage&boutineer place &pictures place? I'm going with expo since not a lot of schools have prom the same day! Everyons on may 9 sorry baldwin park, walnut, nogales, northview, etc. :[ sucks for you! Haha (: mms needa still get my dress! :[ idk if ima get a new one or reuse.. Blah :[

So a lot of things have been affecting my mind set on things &well if you can't handle theeen PEACE! I had my mind in the gutter before but now I'm back on track getting my priorities straight &values! So if you can't roll you needsta go! Maturity is steppin its game up, so GET ON MY LEVEL!

Can't take noo more..

2009-04-26T21:04:00.000-07:00

This week is officially over. Award cermony, most of CST testing, dance performance, &some prom shit finished with. Thankyou Amiee &Mrs. Perez for going to my performance! It meant soo much to me.<3 Saturdaynight was whatevs. Bowling tourny this morning, inNout with family friends, basketball at Suzanne park, help Scott ask Kelsey to prom, back home to get yelled at.. My cousin from Argentina is coming tmwr gonna pick him up from the airport around 1pm. He's stay for a wholee month! Insane riiight? I really needa start on my English projects I'm doing soo bad in school :[ fckit. Honestly, I've given up. I've given up in alot of things.. The one thing I've always had some hope for, is starting to die. I'm starting to lose all faith all hope all strength. I've been getting yelled at left &right BY EVERYONE! I can't take it nomore. I needa get away. I sorta just wanna be left alone. I don't think ill be going on AIM; picking up calls or replying to texts for a while sorry. I don't even kno if ima go to school tmwr.

I've lost my family friends.. &"boyfriend".
My parents officially hate me &don't even wanna talk to me. My bffe's are MIA but seem soo happy which I'm happy for them but wish they cared still.. &now he the one I got to for everything the one I put my whole life for.. Has slowly been turning on me.

Nervouuus to the max!

2009-04-25T08:01:00.000-07:00

Ortho appt. at 8am in Whitter first thing to start off my nervous day. Theen go straight to WestCo city hall to get ready for my dance performance! Today at 130 I'll be performaning for my Japanese dance at WestCo city hall reeal close to the mall that one place yeeep! So come watch(:

I've been trippin baallls all week for this shiit. -_- &I've been soo stressed cause of testing, projects, performances, award ceremony &my cousin from Argentina is coming THIS Monday! In two fcking days FML! -_- waaay too much at once.

I hate being lied to.. Or when people avoid topics you already know about, but they don't kno you know, yadadamean? Whatevs though its coooo! I found out my parents have been very disappointed &hating on me for the longest time.. :[ OUCH. I never knew parents could have much shame for one child but I gueeess they can :[ yeah I fail in life.

P.S
Itd be nice if you came to my show.
&yes that goes to all of you!

I really really haven't been myself lately,

2009-04-23T21:45:00.000-07:00

Soo many things soo many emotions. I'm soo fcking stressedout.. prom school love family everything.. I hate how something everything reminds me of things that just make me hurt. I hate how I work soo hard for something &theen bam FAIL! I fail in school, family, love, prom everything. I worked soo fcking hard for that one thing &I got NOTHING from it.. Schools slipping through my fingers.. I haven't started any of my english projects due next week I haven't don't crap for prom.. Don't kno what dress how to get there gotten my ticket or even been asked... -_- fckit man I don't wanna go anymore. Too stressed over nothing. Nothings been going right.. Award shit, dance performance, english projects, history review, too much shit.

FUCKYOURSHIT.

Run awaaaay with me

2009-04-22T22:53:00.000-07:00

This week, this month is full of stress. My big dance performance that I have been practicing for months to perform my new dance for the very first time is this Saturday… &I have no faith in me that it will go well because of past performances something bad always happen. Something always went wrong. :[ I don’t even wanna perform this year. I usta love the feeling of accomplishment, but whats the point when there’s no one to say, “I’m proud of you.” Today was the Award ceremony for ROP and my brother told me before he left, “I’m proud of you.” First time I’ve ever heard that in my life. I’ve strived to do so much accomplish so much in life and I’ve never heard a “I’m proud of you.” Today was the first for a lot of things. And that was one of them. I didn’t feel soo accomplished though, I didn’t get any crazy awards or crazy amount of money. It was more of a disappointment. Another disappointment is yet to come though, this Saturday. No one to watch my performance, no one to tell me their proud of me, no one to give me flowers or something corny (never in my life have I received something like that. Not for my huge dance recital, ASB president speech in 8th grade, or Kaiwains Service award ceremony). Sometimes I wish my parents were born here so they spoke fluent English and so they wouldn’t feel awkward to going to my banquets, ceremonies, award shows, performances, basketball games. It’d be nice to look out to the audience for once and see someone I love there… Last performance I thought I really would had, but another disappointment just blew up in my face. I’ve been soo off, soo moody, soo depressed this week, but truest if you knew what I was feeling what I was expecting you would too.. Fuck AP English Fuck Physics Fuck school in general. I don’t care anymore.

Why is it boyfriends are the worst best friends and best friends are the worst boyfriends. I believe I am a bad girlfriend, but a decent best friend. Why is it we can’t be inbetween its either or. I'm sorry I cant be the best bestfriend girlfriend lover friend whatever the fuck you want me as. I'm trying but it's soo hard when I can't even hold myself up right now. I wish to be there for you, but I cant even stand on my own two feet. You need the best of bother worlds; Right now I need a best of both worlds. Right now I’m feeling a breakdown coming up soon. I need figure a way out for tmwr. -_- Gwad, fuckitstyle.

P.S Happy ten months, I guess...

This heaaaaaaaaaaat is fucking

2009-04-21T22:30:00.000-07:00

making me go insane. Or is it the heat? Maybe its certain people. Who knooows. I'm soo fcking irratated and angry. Seriouusly too much shit to do this week. Waaay too much shit on my mind. Fckitstyle nawmeans?

Thiiiiiiis weatheeer is

2009-04-20T22:29:00.000-07:00

geettting to my head! I'm going crazy. I don't knoow anymore. We all have our views on things &our perfect partner. I believe our perfect partner is similar to ourself or someone we wish to be. &well I think I've found someone close to that. I think I've found someone who would be close to my ideal partner.

I love you past your flaws &past your imperfections. I've learned to put up with the problems that come with you &learned to cope with em. I've never stopped before &I won't stop now.

Question is do you feel the same?

Pasadena, cleaning, bowling!

2009-04-19T22:37:00.000-07:00

Today was officially the last day of breaak. &well it was the cherry on top somewhat! It funny when boys get jealous of "new friends" or of other guys tryna be ones friend, when they kno they do the same shit with other girls haaah! Went to Pasadena with Kyle &his family. Ate at Yardhouse &watched the Laker game. Then walked around in the freaakin hott sun! Kyle let me wonder off alone &get lost :[ I was able to find my way though. Went to Kyles house &watched Fantastic Four. Helped him wash the car, clean the car, do yard work, clean the bathrooms. Then daddy picked me up &we went bowling! Funfunfun! Met this black lady &her son. He had a cool tatoo &was reeeally funny and nice! (: ran into Hermon and said hi! Theen left to go home. I hadn't bowled in forevah yay for a turkey! :D I'm soo tireeed at least it wasn't a waste of a Sunday or last day of break, but now I don't think ill be able to wakeup for school tmwr :[ blaaaah great School, basketball practice theen Spring practice. Wish me luck with the bellypiercing =/ eeek!

Movieenight!

2009-04-18T23:15:00.000-07:00

Today is pretty much the official last day of break! :[ Lamelamelamelame! Drove my mama to the Puente Hills mall bought some stuff had lunch then drove to Costco to get new house phones. It was freeakin hott today! Chilled at home, cleaned my room &organized my closet. Then got ready and went to Steph's house for movie night! Mmms, bommb food &funny movie!<3 Romodels is sucha funnay movie! :D I'm 3rd place for the skiiball game on Steph's Itouch haha. Boyfriend took me home theeen watched Freshprince. Tmwrs gonna be gay. Someone suprise me &put the cherry on top of this perfect break! :D

Hollywood or Hollyweird?!

2009-04-18T01:13:00.000-07:00

Wokee up with only 5 hours of sleep today.. Did most of the daily routines.. Felt a bit siick. Watched some tv theeen cleaned the house. Got some bu$iness handled. &attempted to clean my room by starting with my closet. Theen got a call from Kyle to hangout sooo I got ready in a quick second &mom took me to kyle's house. From there we went down to Pasadena. Went to this store uhm Line 39? I thinkkk coped some Jordans for Kyle's little brother, my boyfriendd! Went to a cute pizza place &ran into Ashley from Bishop. Theeen went down to some highschool for Kyle's little brother's basketball practice. Played Kyle a quick one on one 15 pt game (: &yes I won without letting me win cauuse homeboy was sweeatin a grip &tryin really hard it was cute ! Haha theen chilled outside for a little babysitting these cuties named Conner &Zach-attack haha! Later we headed to Hollywood to Kyle's aunties house. Jammedpack with a grip of traffic. My first time in Hollywood! (: we walked around at a yummy Kobe beef place. Saw some random stuff! From homeless people to Spiderman, the Joker, Stewie, Cat woman, &Terminator? Yeah HollyWEIRD... haaha!Theen walked it off &went back to his aunties to watch Family Guy. It was already supeeer late so we headed home. Fell asleep in Kyle's arms in the car ride home.. Kyle walked me to my door &late night kiss goodbye (: hehe I'm supeeer exaughsted so peaczy beezy's! <3

Thankyou boyfriend for the wonderful fun night *ruff!(; hehe

Tippin on my dick; trippin over stupid shiiiit

2009-04-17T03:43:00.000-07:00

Likeee freallllfreaal, things were going great &theen BAM I have one night withoutchu &we hit rock bottom once again. Trippin over stupidass shit! Constantly questioning my actions, feelings, &intentions. Well guess what enough is mosdef enough. I blew off shitless tonight &allooot of the things I said mosdef was outta anger &but ill be brutaly honest some were straiiight truth. I can't believe its 340am and I'm still awake whatthefuck. -_- I really don't kno what to do anymorrree.. I feel like there's nothing more left in me.. Its too hard to want to or even just try.. You pushed me to my point.

I used-to listen to this song after every fight& it always helped, but this time.. Its not having the same effect on me..

"You gotta be the one to stick by your mate and say ima be with you no matter.

I don't wanna loose this relationship So
we gotta stay strong don't wanna move on
I kno you sick&tired of this fussing&the
cussing but I love you&you love me too

I did you wrong you did me wrong
I take you back you take me back
No matter what you do no matter what
You say no matter how far you go dont
Take your love away because I love you
&girl I want you &girl I need you so
Lets just work it out.

I aint tryna waste your time &I aint
Tryna waste my time &aint no need to
Waste no time cause we done put in
Too much time.

When your in a relationship the easier
Thing for you to do is to leave you gotta
Stick it out &work it out &stick it out
&work it out cause at the end of the day
I love you baby I need you in my life you
Kno what I'm sayin I'm sick &tired of the
Arguging and all that good stuff I mean
I'm pleading on this track because I really
Really love you &I really want for us to
Work it out &um yknow I wanna marry you
Baby ykno I want you to be in my life for
The rest of my life ykno what I'm sayin
Anyway I'm just talkin a whole lot of
Gibber gabber but um being without you is
Like the moon without a sun &yknow what I'm sayin a blunt with no dro ecstacy with
No body ykno what I'm sayin you get what
I'm saying baby lets just work it out. "

Sometimes I wonder...

2009-04-15T23:36:00.000-07:00

why I try soo hard in certain things..sometime I wonder why I put up with certain things and why I'm soo patient with certain things..I try soo hard to make you feel secure and the response I get isn't soo helpful. I think I put up with alot especially today.. but I guess its worth it. I mean don't get me wrong, I really do like you &all, but really sometimes I think twice. Sometimes I do wonder why. But it always goes down to "Cause I love him." Is that a legit reason, though...I'm starting to think about that alot lately..and well I guess it is, for now.

Went to LA to go Prom dressing shopping with Jackie&Irene; Theen Puente Hills malls; Kyle picked me up took Irene home then went got some grub. Went back to my house watched some Fre$h prince; went for a quick Curry run; and came back to watch Hitch. Theeen dance practice til 9ish :[ I lovee spending days with him (: Today was pretty incredible even though I didn't do much! Heheh Thankkks again for today babybabybabylove!<3

Happy official four months?

2009-04-14T19:29:00.000-07:00

I guessssssssss. DAY 2 sucked monkey baaallllllls. Well not really but wasn't as great as yesterday. Just went out to eat some dimsum with Kim &Kels! Good catching with the fab4 japs; missing Sarah :[ anyyywayyys, afteeer watched tv; talked on the phone for like 456789hours haha, good catchingup!; tried making plans with Crisselle but utterly failed :[ have fun in Vegas! Theeen watched Beauty shop &my BET shows i<3black people shoooot theeey know whassup!

"Behind every baller is a strong woman"

MMMMHMMS, Boyyys needa RECOGNIZE SUNSHINE when its right in front of you cauuus honnay it don't take all day! Shiiiiit. I hate how after seeing sunshinee comes those cloudy cold days, buut the best thing after that are thooose amazing RAINBOWS! (: yeeep! Gotta go through rain, shine, blizzards, storms to get to those perfect Rainbows ! <3 lately the weathers been a tripp just yesterday it was hoooott &sunny today it was collld cloudy and uglllly! Kinda like us... but its coo cauuuse I know tmwrs a completely NEW day and the weather changes constantly! (: hmms I'm thinks Speedzone Thursday? Anyoneeee down I got thaat hookup! :D

Piericing cravings!

2009-04-13T14:04:00.000-07:00

A great way to spend the first day of Spring break! Went looking for the Tat&Piercing place on Valley with Prince$S. Got there asked about parent consent forms &he asked me how old I am &I said 17 &then he said I would need one.. So I walk out but then a guy comes stops me &asks if I have my nose pierce &I saiiid noo its a mole -_- but I got my tongue pierce! :D he asked where I got it done I lied and said well my mom took me last time but she doesn't like tat places so she told me to go on my own to get my belly and they guy asked could we call her? I said she didn't speak english &he said well then I guess we can since they letchu get your tongue &I said yeh she wanted me to get my belly pierced rather than my tongue and he laughed and said yeah okay its gonna be $40! Nahhh! Man I said no thanks cos shits too expensive! Sooo theeen calledup the guy from Ontario sched an appointment &then went to pickup Gy! :D chilled at her house for a while then went to Albertson so should could change her coins to $$$ haha! After went to Puente to look at potiential belly rings &tongue rings.. Got an ICEE &busted a mission to Ontario! Shiit was faaar &scary but the guy was supper chill &nice. I was the first to go &get my belly it was a simple quick pinch I think the fear of it hurt more than the actual piercing then Gy went theeen Prince$S went &got her tongue lmao! Then we went to Westco mall to buy the cleaner stufffff &Prince$S got her ICEE. Went homeee &knoocked out! Soo tired after alll this adventure time! Goood way to start off Spring break! :D

If you leavee with a little twist

2009-04-12T23:59:00.000-07:00

You think I'm so full of it, full of it
But I think I'm just fed up, baby
You think I can be so arrogant, arrogant
But I'm just tryna keep my head up, baby
You think I procrastinate baby
But I think I`m taking my time
You think you need to leave
But i think i disagree but

If you believe you'll do best without me
Baby think again I'll make you see!
Before you say goodbye
Let's give it a try
If you leave, then baby I'll chase
I'll prove to you this isn't a waste
I have no doubt
Baby that we can work it out

I think you're so full of it, full of it
You just don't know when to let up baby
I love how you never give up, give up
It just makes my love for you so crazy.
I think you're so arrogant, arrogant
But you think you're so much better baby
You deserve the best that you can get
But baby that's why I believe we met
I think it aint dealt before me to judge
you by your flaws and that's why
i could criticize, but i put that aside
To focus on you and I

Now if you wanna go, baby
Then maybe I can't stop you just maybe
But I'm still tryna hold on
But I can't if you don't&just wna move on

Now if you leave me, you're gonna miss me
I know I'm gonna miss you&what we could be
I'm not saying that i'll be here waiting
But baby I'm here fighting &stating
Since we here right now,
Though we both don't know how...
Let's work to reach the point that we know we can be...
Baby just believe in you and me!<3

I love the song "If you leave" by Musiq &Mary J, but it somewhat puts a the other down and ykno what? I learned that aint the way to go. So I added somestuff &did some tweaking. I believe we must learn to love ones flaws &learn to live with em. Overcoming the little things is one of the most difficult task in life. But HAY! I'm a fighter &ima keep on fighting. I love thiiis boy waaay too much to lose everything now. He means too much to me to have him drift apart. I won't let insecurities defeat me. I will win the battles put in front of me &in the end I will win his heart forever :D causeee baby, sometimes love knocks you down &when it does just get right back up. I usta be commander in chief but this fly slick missle shot me down &the pimp in me just died. Commitment, honesty, loyalty, communication are all big aspects in a relationship but so are having FUN, making MEMORIES, being HAPPY! So I gotta stop with all the bs cos its time to let it flow time to make us happy. I gotta stop tryna make us something were not, something we're not ready or old enough for. We're young, we're kids so baby let us do what's easiest for us &JUST HAVE FUN! (: I love you, Kyle Steven Yamamoto! Remember I'm your dentist &we'll be flying to Fontucky together sometime son (; heehehe!

Friday; spend the night with Kyle.
Saturday; Basketball banquet, brea mall with Kyle, then Kyle's house. Basically learned you shouldnt keep yourself from falling for someone you should just let it happen. &Kyle's drunk neighbors help you see things you can't see when your sober &teach you about places you never even heard of like Fontuckey! (: great night. Great expierence, great boyfriend. Loveyou!

Sunday; happy easter everyone! Lunch with family theeen do abuncha nothang. Big deep talk with the boyfriend. &never been happier. He's worth every single fight, tear, smile, once of happiness. (: <3

brokenheart; deeptalks; cluttered mind

2009-04-10T21:49:00.000-07:00

My little brother has grownup to become such a wonderful guy<3 Thanks Zach!<3

zach: well look at the bright side you dont gota putt up wit that shit anymore
assilemkami: Mmhm..
assilemkami: See whatchu tend to learn is..
zach: i think that its better for you to just feel like shit right now and get over it
zach: waht do you tend to learn?
assilemkami: You begin to love someone for their flaws, you learn that the shit they putchu thru is nothing when you really care for them.. Its worth seeing them smile, being happy. Even if it means goin thru bumpy roads what's worth having is worth fightin for. If he didn't put me thru shit I wouldn't like him soo much.. He makes me have to fight to be with him he makes thing worth fighting for. He makes me grow as a person. At least now I don't give up easily when times get rough I fight thru it. I try over and over again.
zach: so you dont mind all the trouble he puts you through?
assilemkami: Not really..
zach; so how is it over for good??
assilemkami: Because.. We were already drifting. He left. I pushed him away too far this time.
zach: nahh
zach: im more than sure if you really want to fight for him then you can get him
assilemkami: Yeah that's true. But when your used to losing.. Trying to win fades from being an option.
zach: so what youre saying is your giving up??
assilemkami: Yep. I guess I am.
zach: winners never quit, and quitters never win!
assilemkami: Yeah well I lost I didn't win or quit, I just lost.
zach: you're mothafuckin right!
zach: you gotta fightt
zach: lakers lost the finals last year but they're fighting and bout to sweep the mothafuckin finals this year!
assilemkami: Lakers have something worth fighting for.
zach: so do you!
assilemkami: Yeh? What..
zach: mmm, that good feeling you ahve when you see kyle smile?
assilemkami: Hah.. He took that when he left.
zach: so you dont care to see him smile anymore?
assilemkami: I won't ever see him period.
zach: thats if you dont fight !
assilemkami: But why fight for something you might not win?
zach: key word MIGHT thats like asking whats the point of living
assilemkami: I don't know
zach: that made no sense
assilemkami: LOL
zach: so lets go backto what you said bout fighting for something you might not win just cause you feel like you cant win doesnt mean you shouldnt try if you really wanna get it the odds of you succeeding dont matter and plus if you dont fight for it then thats an AUTOMATIC loss where as if you fight for it theres still a chance you can win
assilemkami: Yeh..
zach: im not sayin fighting for kyle is gonna necessarily seal the deal and you two get back together
assilemkami: Yeh I know.
zach: im just saying, if you dont at least try then you two really wont get back together
zach: so lets see do you want to fight for him? Do you want him?
zach: do you still like/love him?

Honestly, my decisions like that are never done based on my feelings, its based on what's best. Of course I still love, want, everything him.

zach: well, whats keeping youfrom fighting for him again??
assilemkami: I don't wanna get hurt.
zach: I GOT ANOTHER GOOD QUOTE FOR YOU!!!
zach: "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional"
assilemkami: Buuut how do you choose to suffer?
zach: well okay umm well of course people are gonna feel some sort of pain sometime in their life
zach: a person doesnt really have control over that
zach: but what they do have control over is if they let it actually get to them...
assilemkami: That's true.
zach: lemme try an example you know how you broke up you definitely felt some sort of pain see you can suffer from that pain by breaking down and starting to cry and feeling sorry for yourself and whatnott but seee Whats that gonna do for oyu??
assilemkami: Nothing
zach: to me, when a person cries, their just shwoing self pity so like dont let it get to you best thing to do is make progress and how do you do that? first off try and get your shit straight try and figure out what you want when you got that settle prioritize it then you'll have a better idea if you wanna fight or not and try and be optimistic
zach: and plus, when you're sad, it doesnt make other people that are clsoe to you too happy

Seriouuusly, when did this boy get soo fcking smart &deep?! Ladies he's singlee soo hollah at thiiiiis keepah! (;
He's right, right about everything. I needa change my ways, my mindset, my reactions, and just the way I deal with things. Thankyou soo much Zach<3

Its us against them...

2009-04-09T23:12:00.000-07:00

&I don't want them to win. Baby I won't ever letchu subsitute my love. Baby I won't ever letchu go, no.

Mms.. That song describes a lot of what I felt. Today was a good day. I helped Tyler ask Crisselle to prom theeen basketball practice was really fun &filled with energy! Weight trainning was intense &a success! My body was aching though! Got home then worked on basketball stuff then Alfy picked me up, pickedup Cristine&Justine. We went to Target took some pics, bought shit for bball, stole pictures. Then Dollar Tree &BigLots.

Theen to Cristines house to make Alfys chocolate truffles for French I worked on the collage &theen we ate banana vanilla waffers with chocolate yummm!(: Justin told Cristine mama I was his giirlfriend EMBARESSSSSING! -_- hahaa theen MY 9 year old real boyfriend, Niko called me (: he's soo fckin adorable! He told me, " I wish you were here that way it would be fun. " "Niko are you my boyfriend?" "Yess!(: " pwahah I <3 him! He made my day! Thanks boyprend, Niko<3 (: hehe Holy Thursday indeed! Tmwrs TGIF; Good friday! Finnnallly theeen Spring break bitches! :D hms basketball practice then spring league practiceee theeen who knooows what! Lets chill (:

You lose some &you gaain some;

2009-04-08T22:37:00.000-07:00

I don't really care if I lose you as a friend cause I've seen your friendships tend not to last cause you don't put in the effort to communicate with friends. Ohwelll. I'm sick of your lying straight to my face. I know waaay more than you think. And honestly, I don't care anymore. Karmas a bitch so stop screwing over other people.

I lost trust in you, but I gained even more in Kyle (: Thaaanks for today, I really enjoyed it!<3 I lahhve my love of my life boyfriend bestfriend babybuttercupscrumptiouscupcakemuffincakebabybabeallthatgushywushynames!(;

Serrrrioously, don't waste your time

2009-04-07T21:15:00.000-07:00

reading my blogs. It just me venting &me speaking my mind &putting my feelings down. Seriously, unless your bored to death I advise you not to read it!

Lately love has been the hottest topic in my mind. And the more &more I think of relationships the more this makes sense;
"Someday, I'm sure most of us will fall in love and get married. But the thing is, love will always be tested. Someone more handsome, beautiful, more charming, richer, funnier, sweeter would come along. If you have not practiced the art of contentment as a single person, chances are you would be tempted to want that and not cherish your chosen one. Practicing the Art of Contentment as a single person means that you take what life gives you, good or bad, you're willing to see it through. It means you don't walk away every time things get tough because it builds in you patience, perseverance, understanding and a hundred different virtues that people in a hurry will never have. "
Thus being true.. I've learned to be truly loved means to be known and accepted for who you are. But how do I expect other people to know me and to love me, when you don't know who and what me really is? I'm scared of comittment, of getting hurt, of being alone. Can you take my bad &turn it into good? Can you be the one who picks me up when I fall? I must evaluate who is good for me and who is best for me. "Sometimes, you won't hear music, or feel magic to know who's best for you. The heart just knows and it doesn't need any romantically charged scenario to decide on the matter. Trust in your heart, and trust that time will eventually lead you to, not to the perfect partner, but to the most suitable partner for you." Without the right intention, the emotional maturity, financial security and of course, unwavering love, you're better off unattached... maybe we're better off drifting apart? Life is about things that you do and happen to you everyday. It's not about the things that could have happened but never did, or things that you think would happen in the future. Tell me.. Should I take us as somethang that should be left in the past or move on forward to the future with?

Its hard seeing everything slip away between your finger tips. You know exactly what is happening, but your not exactly sure how to stop it from happening. Maybe we can't stop things like this from happening, likeee the song says "we weren't meant to be , we just happened" and maybe likeee us this is just happening. It just happened. I honestly don't know.. I know I'm scared of comitment, I'm scared of getting hurt, of being alone, of being heartbroken, of giving my all &end up disappointed. I'm scared of everything that has happen to me, happening again. Won't you PROVE to me history doesn't repeat itself. One can CHANGE history, it only takes one. &you'll be that ONE to change my life. Please love me through everything we go through. Please want me as much as you did the first day you fell in love with me. I don't mean to ask for much. But please bring back the old feelings. Please bring back the love. Please give me the security &butterflies. If not... let me go forever. Let it go now. Don't hold on to something not there don't leave me hanging don't just drag me along...

I miss the summer time.. Thas when we fell in love. I miss the way you used to talk to me.. The vibes.. The connection. I miss being called "baby, babe, ms. Independent, babygirl, etc." I miss the love &affection. Whereee did it all go?...

Prom is in the air;

2009-04-06T21:31:00.000-07:00

Hopes up so high only to be crushed &trampled on. My hearts been really hurting &confused lately. I'm emotionally unstable. &I learned today I am also physically unstable. My body, mind, and heart has not been functioning correctly lately. Today I felt like I was gonna collapse, just dropp there. My head was going insane. My heart is so scared of everything. My guts telling me the same ol story is gonna happen again. Once again you'll fall deeply in love as they fall quickly out of love. You'll end up brokenhearted with nothing; no dignity, no respect for yourself, no strength. I see it slowly happening day by day..I feel us drifting farther and farther... The more and more I try to hold on the more I feel you pushing away.. and this is what I fear. I fear what will happen. I fear I will emotionally collapse and break down. My life will deteriorate right after I was almost done with building it back up. I'm so insecure and I know exactly why. I've seen this happen before. This happens when I begin to fall for someone realllllly hard to the point I give them my all. And it usually ends with them taking everything and walking out. I hate when people walk out on me, I've always been walked out on. I've never had someone just stay, just stay with me and coped with me. I've never had someone who's been able to put up with my good, bad, fun, crazy, annoying times. Not even family members. They constantly leave me behind. So one day, just once. I hope to meet someone who won't walk out on me. Who won't disappoint me. Who won't flake on me. Who won't need "sorry" in their vocabulary.

I just really need someone to be there for me right now.

I'm sorry for lashing at you and I'm sorry for not running after you. But sorry is over-used and there's no excuses for my actions. But you know your actions weren't the best either. Will we over-come this or fall...lately everything we go through big or small feels like a ride or die situation it feels as if I can lose you in a slip of a finger. So now what...? Is this the turning point or must I say "I shoulda listened.." .... If we both see us not meant to be, but just happening how far will that take us?.. What does that say about us?

God wontchu give me a sign?

Not even ten minutes.. I guess that was the sign God gave me. Me heartbroken hurt and confused and you okay..it says alot. The drifting just doesn't stop. I say I'm not going to Prom &your fine with it. Even though you kno how much it meant to me..You just really don't care anymore..

Lasssssssssst nighht!;

2009-04-05T08:35:00.000-07:00

My whole day SUCKED, excluding 930- til the next morning (: Pwahaha, went to Kyle's &talked and star-gazed for a little. Then went inside and watched tv with his little brother, my boyfriend Niko(: He's soooo adorable. We watched the Mummy then Land Before Time! (: I laaahvee how the little things bring back those wuushygusshy feelings... (: I haven't really felt true happiness like thiiiiis for a whileee! I really needed last night. I wanted it to last longer, but I got picked up :[ Got home around almost 12ish theeeen busted a bitch &had some deep, weird, akward, funny as fck conversations with Grand-master sexy, bitch Fonso! Pwahahah (: "His penis looked like a burnt mushroom!" Anyyyyyways, Going to Creekside park to play volleyball for some Nogales tourny fundraiser theeen go to Fonso's basketball banquet (: Yayyy! -_- Ima be doing homework at the park cuteee, riiiigh? Comeee &play!

The park was fun! I haven't play volleyball in a whileee! I drove my cousin's Celica to dropp off my younger cousin home.. FIRST TIME EVER!; driving someone else's car, parallel parking, and using a sensitive car. BUT mission was accomplished safe&sound. I got history homework done attempted english but FAILED! Hahaha! Then Yogurtland with the cousins after &had a quick talk! Funnn stuff got home &knocked out wokeup around 2ish! Now attempting to study for history quiz &gonna memorize lines for Spanish. Theeen go to Boys basketball banquet for Fonso &theeen Service club meeting at Mimi's cafeee! Wooo first time for everything today! (:

drifting away on seperate ships..

2009-04-03T23:01:00.000-07:00

&here comes the down fall, here comes the heavy water current &crazy waves. I'm lost in sea..usta be on the same boat witchu &now we're left seperated on different ships slowly drifting away from one another... nothings the same.. Feelings seem to be fading &you just don't seem to care as much.. Maybe its our time to sink like the Titanic.. Unlike Jack&Rose, I don't wantchu to "never let go" cause if you aint feelin the same I wanna kno &I wanna see you happy, even if it aint with me. Cause lover or friend; Ima always be your bestfriend no matter what!

This has been the worst week of my life. -_- I really wished to be home schooled or I wanna move to a different country.. That'd be different &good. Caussee I reaally just hate school -_-" But I do lovee Steph! &hate Justin.. justkidding!<3 But I freeakin hate YOUR SMELLY CHINESE PEOPLE BOMB FARTS! -_- I ate Pho for the very first time last night and learned where the MSG is and how to eat noodles and that hoison poison sauce taste like a strong Teriyaki sauce. Goood stufff(:

baby I'm not tryna hurtchu

2009-04-02T21:24:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was April fools and I tried getting people, but I only got Fonso..HAHA SORRY FONSO LOVEYOU!(: It was also Kyle's mommy's birthday so I made her oragami roses!(:

Pretty, huh? First time making them![: I stole construction paper from Weber &cut the paper during Houghton and started making em in Casareces.

Anyyyyyyyyways, todaytodaytoday. We watched my groups beowulf video which was GREAT! It turned out wonderful!(: Good computer skills Chriscelle and Nick! No practice today cause of Sadies setup. No practice tmwr cause of Sadies. BLAH! Everyone's soo excited for Sadies...I really wished I was going. I havent gone to a frcking dance -_- this year except homecoming. Ughhhs. Went to Crisselle's house to work on Spanish project and we did everything in an hour! Then we baked cookies! :D my first time ever! It was wonderful! Heheh I love spending time with Crisselle<3 Thankyou for the great time Crisselle.

I got to take home some of the cookies WE baked! :D

Mmms.. honestly speaking; I've been feeling a bit annoyed, irritated and fedup..about alot of things, about everything. I'm sick of school, I'm sick of people, and I'm sick of expectations. Cause I act one way it means another, daaamn I just can't have an off day? I can't just feel ajdfshasjdfh...seriously sometimes Sometimes it's not you, it has nothing to do with you, sometimes it's just one of those days. I've had A FCKING STRESSFUL WEEK. YOU have no damn idea. English video project, essay, and huge test tuesday &wednesday. Huge sporttraining test on Wednesday plus physics benchmark. Then a fckin Spanish project/presentation due tmwr &my history test tmwr -_- everything was fcking due this week, it was so damn hectic and I am fcking glad its almost over! First spring league basketball game Saturday then maybe watch the All-League Allstar game? (: Theeen Sunday LA with cousins?! Yes pleaseee!(:

Slooooowly fallllllin'....

2009-03-31T21:56:00.000-07:00

how did we end up here this way?...what are we gonna do..
Last night I had a quite interesting conversation about relationships with a dear friend(: Haha I'll leave you anonymous, butchu know who you are! Thanks alot, opened my eyes up alot!<3 It began with "Do you see yourself marrying your boyfriend..?" &Well I gave the answer, "Honestly, I can't see myself without him" &the response to that was "No, Melissa, your not answering the question. "Do you see yourself marrying him?".. &so on it went, Well here's what was basically said that opened my eyes...

"If you fight alot its a bad relationship. If you're getting hurt emotionally than it's a bad relationship. Being emotionally unstable is bad for you. It's not worth it if you fight over stupid shit and just guilt trip eachother. Instead of fighting you have to talk things out. Thats what a good relationship is. See it this way, Are you happier with him or without him?"

This whole day had me completating and remiscing. For example, I had my last hours of behind the wheel training. I went on the freeway and drove for a while then somehow go into La Puente. We went to the Mail center &then he made me drive towards LaPuente High, I recognized it cause I remember the way me&Josh took to go to Bishop to visit Kyle, which made me think "HEY ! MAYBE WE'LL GO TO BISHOP!" But noopee! We drove to Basset High and around other elementary and junior high schools. Then I drove into Baldwin park. I drove pass this InNout &Weinerztchl I went to with Kyle. &then I passed Kyle's house then we drove some more and I felt lost then we ended up driving past Bishop, the school Kyle goes to. Then I hadda pickup some kids from Bishop and drive him around -_- His name was Steven, Kyle's middle name is Steven. Trippy shit huh. Then on my way home, the instructor told me to go on my way and I passed by Coconut Bay, where I went with Kyle for JJay's dinner party. Then I got home &Steph picked me up and as soon as I got in the car, "You got me" was playing. -_- another song that I first heard cause of Kyle. So this whole day was tripping me out. Cause non-stop did I not think about him.. especially when driving -_- Then at the All-star game I even did something that made me think of him...So I went back thinking to the whole Marriage question and the whole I can't live without him. I notice he's become a really big part of me and well.. I guess maybe not marriage yet, but I do see myself being with him til AT LEAST senior year, &hoping through college. I don't wanna say marriage cause I don't wanna jynx myself &plus marriage scares me. I'm not one of commitment.. But yes, I do. I do want to be with you, Kyle Steven Yamamoto; til death do us part. (; Loveyou baby, sorry for getting you soo workedup!<3

The Power 106 All-star basketball game was tonight &as our special guest we got the New Boys.. It was whateverrrs, I was hoping someone bigger.. I got autographs&pictures though. :D OHHH &I met Virman from Power 106, cutescutes! &he's a balller!<3 &I got a picture with Ghetto Bird some tall black guy. LMAO!

^ Noooow, here's my NEW obsession! His tats were mofackin' sexy!(:

Then you came &knocked me on my face;

2009-03-30T22:25:00.000-07:00

Feels like I'm in a race, but I already won first place
never thought I’d fall for you as hard as I did
You got me thinkin bout our life our house and kids
Every mornin I look at you and smile
cause boy you came around and you knocked me down

"Sometimes love comes around and it knocks you down
Just get back up when it knocks you down."

So today was like any other day boring &long. BUT it was pretty cold in the morning and it was sprinkling. Power 106 came to Rowland today which made lunch pretty active! Haaaah those dance battles were funnnay! Then 7th period basketball consisted of ALOT of running well not alot but for 7th period it was alot... -_- it was actually tiring for once. MY first spring league practice was chill &easy; learned the delta play & One sideline play. Afteerrr that Kyle came over!(: Yay! Thanks babe! Really made my day, especially for the sweater (; hah! I love how even though we have these intense episodes, we're able to learn from them &over come them. Now I feel closer than ever to you, I really do believe we're more understanding now. I really have faith that things will be different and I hope things will last. Breakupmakeup; I guess it's just part of us, but not for long! Instead, we'll break it down[; Yknoooow! Haha I lovee you lots boyfriend! Thanks for always putting up with my complex complicated moody crazzzay apathetic ass. (: Nigga yous the best<3 HAHAHAH justkiddding babe!<3

Sunday afternoon;

2009-03-29T14:32:00.000-07:00

My sunday consists of a huggge headache, sleepyness &this over grown tooth that has beeen buggin me since friday. IDK WTF MY ORTHO DID to me but apparently my tooth grew?! Idk it fcks up my alignment &it hurts to bite cause of it :[ its soo ugly.. Waiting for my instructor to come then 2 hours of a fobby old asian man tryna teach me how to drive..how ironic no? I hate behind the wheel lessons they're soo fckin long! -_- last night I was driving with my dad and expierenced a near death situation. This car beside me began to get closer to me so close my dad has to push my steering wheel so we curved away luckyly no one was left to me. Apparently the car right of me had fallen asleep.. Damn I was soo scared. After that my eyes were trippin out all the nights were blurry &I couldn't see. My contacts reallly suck. Note to self: don't drive after sleeping with contacts on. I'm soo tired right now &soo lazy but there's soo much to do for school... everything due this week -_- ughs I can't wait til spring break!...

Finding out things you never wanted to know sucks. Though it may have been in the past... it still sucks... I don't kno why I'm trippin especially if it was years before..but I guess its a bit of jealousy in me. The fact we never talked back then, the fact it took you forever to want to be with me. You never tried to talk to me, get to know me.. Til years after, til I approached you. What does that really say.. I don't know what's happening anymore.. I feel like as days go on we are both falling out, our feelings both are beginning to fade. Ever since a past lover told me how his feelings had went away during our relationships, its gotten me insecure, unsure about your feelings for me. I know I push you away constantly, but I guess I'm scared of holding on to something that'll only drift away from me. Usually as soon as I open up &give my all.. They tend to take all of it &go.. I really don't want that to happen again. Maybe that's why I ended it, maybe that's why I can't be with you. The fear of you getting bored of me and falling for someone else. Insecurite has overcome me and has taken control. How do I get out of its trap, how do I set myself free? Take a chance? Risk my heart? I'm sick of all the pain though, I'm done with all the hurting &crying. Maybe its time to play it safe. Chill for a while &be lowkey. They say you won't ever find love, love finds you. But really, Is that true? Does love really find us? And how does it know its us? How do we kno its love? Love is a poweful word. Love is a poweful action. Love is mysterious &wonderful. If only love wasn't so rare, if only we could find love when we wanted to instead of having to wait around forever...
Last night helped my love come back; Didju know I love stars? Didju kno I enjoy laying under em &just gazing for hours. I love tryna to figure out whether its a star or a plane. Whether it can make wishes come true or twinkle like the nursery rhyme says. Star-gazing is one of my favorite pass-time especially when I'm with someone I really care for. Last night I found the same star we pointed out that first time we went to the movies. I kno I might sound like I'm crazy, but I remember perfectly. It was one of the shinest biggest and unique. It wasnt around with all the others, but alone. I recognized it caus it caught my attention sorta like you did that day of the sweet sixteen party. I was able to see you out of all the guys there. I miss the old days. I miss the getting to know stage, the cutesy flirtying stage, and the infatuation stage. I'm tired of all the fighting. I miss your myspace messages asking about my day, random texts, and your bestfriend type advice. I know we all change, I kno nothing stays the same... but I sorta wished the "I'm in love" stage woulda never faded, it woulda never changed. I really miss everything, I really miss you... :[ it woulda been nice if this woulda lasted for the rest of my highschool life.

Mmms behind the wheel wasn't soo bad this time.. Drove a bit in Rowland then down through Diamond bar into Cal Poly area then Mt. Sac drove around Walnut stopped at Snow Creek park for a break then drove around Walnut &back into Rowland. Snowcreek is such a pretty park.. I haven't kicked it or chilled at a park like this since uhh last March-ish when I usta go to Creekside to chill with Jon after Barkada practices.. Its waaaay too pretty outside to be stuck at home sad&depressed... looking at the park made me miss those Sunday get-togethers at the park with family &friends playing volleyball &basketball... I feel so isolated by everyone. I feel like I don't really kno anyone anymore or what's going on with them. Especially with my family friends. I haven't seen them in forever. Sometimes I wish I didn't quit Japanese school cause no I never get to see em. I remember it was a drag waking up every Saturday morning, but it was fun kickin it with the fam during breaks &after class... Ughs this "Change" has really affected my life, don't get me wrong I'm all for it and everything, but there's just some things I DIDN'T want to change. There's somethings I want to keep the same. But we can't have it like that.. We can't always get what we want. I guess as change happens we must learn to adapt &change things on our own to adapt to our likings.. One thing I really need to change is my mindset, my determination, my priorities. I have it all messed up. For instance; my life went like this..
1. Boyfriend
2. Friends&Family
3. Dance
4. School
5. Basketball
Now thaaaats tottally screwed up cause school should be my number one priority especially right now, but it isn't. I can honestly say... I don't try, I don't give a fack. But after this hectic week of projects, exams, benchmarks, essays I will get my head together and figure things out right. After school will come family&friends; I'm gonna spend some more time home bonding with family &reuniting with close friends, like my BFFE's &Steph!(: Since my dance performance is coming up in late April dance will be my next prority. I am going to practice more than ever. For basketball ill just remember to bring my stuff &have fun! Live it up cause I'm feelin like this will be the end of high school ball for me =/ I'm also gonna practice my driving, drive everywhere &anywhere when I get the chance so I get really good and I'll pass my license test first try! :D I really needa get my act together... and maybe just maybe if I do have a boyfriend then all the extra time I have &mosdef the time I make for him I will be a good nah fckthat not good GREAT girlfriend to him. Ima give him his space &his time Ima make him happy &feel special. Ima keep doing cutesy stuff &try showing more affection cause if I've learn anything these past few months its my flaws in relationships. I learned I lack affection &trust. I'm hypricritical a lot of the times, hard headed, narrow minded, and stubborn. But now I will be more understanding, simpathetic, open minded, and willing. Willing to change, willing to work things out and hear him out. I will stop building up these huge walls & open the door to my heart for him. I will let him love me, ill finally let someone love me. I know I'm not used to it, I'm not used to showing affection because I never grew up with it, but heey! That doesn't mean I can't change myself to be that way, which I will. Thankyou Kyle Steven Yamamoto for showing me the way. For showing me my flaws, for being there for me through our journey of love. Thankyou for changing me, changing me into someone better. With you, I'm a better woman. With you I'm me and I'm not scared to be me. Thankyou for letting me give someone all my trust &love and never regretting it. We've come a long way &I'm happy to say I do love you. This may be the end of our relationship, but its not the end of our journey for love. We both will meet someone else, we'll both find better. We'll find someone for us. I wish you the best of luck &all the happinest in the world. Don't ever doubt yourself or let anyone doubt you. I know you, I know you can do anything. Never give up &always have faith in yourself. I believe in you, in anything you do. <3

Well like I said I'm gonna start changing soo off to study for history benchmark then work on Spanish project &finish history homework and if time study Beowulf for a bit. Today is a new day &tmwr is even a new-er day. So here comes the new me, here comes the new views &new interest. (:

FrealFreal yet feels so unreal...

2009-03-28T23:49:00.000-07:00

So I wrote this incredibly long blog entry on my sidekick as soon as I got in the car to vent how I felt...and well my sidekick messedup &didn't save it so now I'm stuck with scratch... I even wrote you a poem.. It was actually decent to. -_- so here I go tryna explain things half as good as the blog before...

I really don't know where to start or what to say but... this is for the best. The past couple of days have been horrible for us. Fighting, yelling, critiquing, no loving. Ughs I really don't kno what to say I was able to let everything out from the blog before that right now I'm blank. But the only thing about that blog that was important was to letchu know... I'M THANKFUL FOR YOU!; I'm sorry I never showed appreciation and I didn't thankyou enough! Thankyou for always coming to see me after SAT classes, for making time for me , for tryna talk to me every night. Thankyou for donald duckie and for all the smiles you've given me. Thankyou for all the memories &cherished moments. Thankyou for always being there and trying to be understanding. Thankyou for never giving up on me and constantly trying. Thankyou for putting up with my bad &loving my good. I never thanked you enough for everything you did and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting you through all this. I'm sorry for hurting you, for not showing you love, for not appreciating you. I'm sorry for not being the best girlfriend ever. I'm sorry for all the bad judgements and mistakes I made. But most of all I'm sorry I didn't love you right, I'm sorry I gaveup. I wish I hadn't I wish today didn't happen I wish we never brokeup I wish we were still together. I wish you loved me as much as you did before. I wish you knew exactly how I feel. But we both kno this is for the best. You need to focus of important things. You need to focus on school, SAT's, basketball, tennis, and your family. You need to worry about those not me. Us not being together will give you the extra time, strength, and effort to put in other things. I never meant to criticize you to bag on you to bring you down. I never meant the mean things I said. I've only lovedju, I've always lovedju. Through every fight to every moment spent with you. I thank God for all the wonderful times we've had together &for you puttin up with my flaws. Always remember what I promisedju. Always remember the good times we had from dates to your grandmas house to the bad times from fights to lonely nights. But most importantly remember... NEVER SETTLE FOR LESS; NEVER SETTLE. Never settle for anyone BUT me...<3 I am deeply madly in love with you.. I miiiishhh yew sooo much! I miiishh yew awwwwooot donaldduckie! :[ please understand this isn't what I really wanted. I love you always have and alwys will no matter what. Whether your a lover or a bestfriend ima always be here for you ima always listen to what you have to say and ima always help you when you need me. If I really am your ONE out of 40 soulmates in the world then I pray that we both let go...and let God control our fate. I pray one day we'll come back together and things will come back our way. Baby I miss you, I need go back in your arms.. :[ come back to where you belong. I love you way to damn much to let go now. Tonight felt so real..tonight ripped my heart into pieces. When you said "iloveyou" I broke down. I couldn't, I didn't want to let go. I wanted to say it back. I hope you feel better I hope your happy. Take care of yourself &enjoy life. Forever will I think of you cause nodoubt you'll be the one I always miss. This blog isn't as good as the one I wrote earlier but its basically what needs to be said... I wish I remembered everything I wrote so you could understand how heartbroken I am. I miss you soooo much..I wanna be with you so badly. Please come back. <3 I can't go on without you... :[

PS. I read the note you left me. Thankyou.

Thank God Its Friday!;

2009-03-27T13:56:00.000-07:00

Fiiiinnnnallly! I seriously have been waiting for this week to end! Ughs I hate the month of April soo much shit to do for school! Soo streesssed out -_- I can't wait til Spring Break! Nojoke I wanna end school already! I'm sooo sick of it! I'm pretty excited for spring break..I hope its fun&ima plan to go every where!
Spring break plans;
- Disneyland
- The beach
- Knotts? Eh maybe!
- Bowling
- Ice skating (I don't care if its not winter anymore!)
- Miniture golfing (Speedzone)
- Movies
- LA! <3

Past few days have been shiitttty... schools been a dragg..now I'm at my ortho in Whitter waiting to get my monthly checkup &color changes..hopefully I can get these babys off by April! :D before dance performances and PROM! :D I reallyreally wanna go to prom this year cos I kno it'll suck next year..
Today during lunch a lot of people were asking the fellahs to sadies, but one really hit me. Janet's apology &asking to sadies really made me feeeeeel really simpathetic.. Once that song "sure thing" went on you popped in my mind..which is weird cos that song before reminded me of HIM... it was a song I usta hear all the time while I was with him, but for some reason YOU came to my had.. I kno I haven't been soo understanding about everything the past few days buut I guess my minds been clearing up...but for some reason part of me wants to go back but part of me doesn't.. Why do I keep going back to broken promises &disappointment.. Whenever I screw up I make it up to you I try to redeem myself.. What have you done to make things up..? But even when I'm supper madee and stuff I still wna be with you there's something &everything that reminds me of you.. :[ and even though I'm mad I feel bad and I'm missing you! I kno I shoulda been more understanding and simpathetic but I promise ill made it up to you...promise you'll see! I'm gonna suprise you at SAT school again. (= you'll see!<3

I can honestly say;

2009-03-26T21:27:00.000-07:00

I really really am to the point where I don't care. I don't care about alot of things now; my grades, relationships, people...I'm in the biggest b!tchmode of my life. Don't talk to me right now, I'm so fcking blunt and b!tchy. I'm so fcking fedup and tired of this shit. Really, who does this. Who criticizes their girlfriend or boyfriend and just makes them feel like shit about themselves. Telling them how self-center, selfish, materialistic, rude, dishonest, untrustworthy they are. Well fcking thanks! Seriously, I know I'm a good person, I'm a good friend, but fuck do you hafta remind me what a shitty girlfriend I am. Sorry, not everything I do is something you like, sorry I have my own mind, sorry I am independent. I don't care what you say, I don't care if you think I'm dependent on people, cause realitycheck I'M NOT. I CAN STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET. I've been through so much shit without anyone by my side, not even family. You don't know what thats like. You live in this perfect little world. I really feel like I can't do this anymore. It's sad how, it was only a few days ago I was so happy and now we're back TO EVERYTHING, back to everything I DIDN'T wanna go back to. The things you promised me would change. Maybe I never changed cause you don't tell me what I needa change, you don't bring up what you'd like to see different. Alot of the times you don't even notice or aknoledge the change I make.. This fight has really pushed me to the edge. I'm not gonna reassure you, I'm not gonna fight to be with you, nor am I gonna try anymore. I just don't care anymore. I'm sorry. I don't even think I have enough in me to wanna stay with you. These are the stupid fights I was talking bout, the ones that shouldn't have to end in breakups. But adding up all these stupid little fights causes one reaaal big breakup, not those breakupmakeup breakups but those real deal breakups. Those breakups where we stop talking, throw away all the things that remind us of one another, and we just go our seprate ways. Maybe one day we'll start talking again and maybe one day we'll be just friends, but today I don't even know what we are or can be.

Change;
Is something you do to make someone else happy. Change can be either bad or good. Change is essential, it's necessary; It's part of life. Change takes time, patience, and strength. You don't expect people to do it, you don't force people do it, you watch people as they change, you adapt to people's change, and we hope for change in people.

If you can't change for me, then don't I wouldn't wantchu to. But change for youself. Make yourself a better person. Change the way your relationships are by changing the type of person you are in relationships.

Tearing us apart..

2009-03-25T22:19:00.000-07:00

Insecurities, jealousy, and lack of trust. You'd think after months being so close to someone you'd feel secure safe &comfortable with them, but when it comes to us it seems as if all we believe is one of us decieving one another but that's not even the case. I'm not tryna do you wrong. I'm not tryna be a shaaady bitch, cause freaaal though on the reeeal I'm not tryna be with that..I'm tryna stay with YOU. But lately these insecurities &lack of trust is just tearing us apart. I don't know what you wanna do, I don't kno what you feel..but really. I can't be with someone who doesn't trust me, who thinks I'm just a liar... how dare you degrade me. I've only tried to prove to you I'm not like the rest..but its just not enough for you. I'm not the one lying or decieving you the thoughts in your head are... I knew things were too good to be true. I knew this perfect phase wouldn't last too long.. It was just too good to be true. &now were gonna just go back to the same ol story and I'm sorry to say I don't wanna go back to that. Why should I give it my all to receive half back. I love you, I really do. But this is up to you, this is your choice. So baby, tell me what do you wanna do?... break it or make it. You tell me.

You got me writing poems again..

2009-03-25T00:24:00.000-07:00

I was doing fucking great til you came along. FUCK. Really, why couldn't you keep up with the front. I think it was better. FML.com!...

I fcking wanna shoot you.. nojoke.

To mister I can't trust Melissa for shit.
Hey is this upfront enough for you? Is this what you would like to see.. Something ykno its mosdef for you! I can't stand your immuturity &insecurities sometimes. After nine months you'd think you'd trust me or something, but no... why the fuck would I dropp something I've fallen for to somethang I gaveup in the past. Why the fck would I go back to that lonnnnng distance dramafilled fake relationship? Really open your eyes! Open those big ears and REALIZE your the only one I'm down for, your the only I wanna be with. If you can't see that now then what the fuck is this? What the fuck are we doing? There's no point in this if your gonna lack trust in me. I'm sorry I do care what others think I'm sorry I don't want pepl thinkin I'm a slut &I'm sorry I don't like to have beef with people. But fuuuck, why do you do this. Why do you twist everything. I FUCKING LOVE YOU I FUCKIN WANT YOU.. HAVEN'T I SHOWED THAT ENOUGH TO YOU? I guesss not.. &here goes another night going to bed mad at eachother. Here goes all the promises you made &the progress... I knew God couldn't see me happy for too long..

Two in a row!

2009-03-24T20:09:00.000-07:00

Today was pretty damn good![: Filmed for english during lunch then once I got home Kyle came to suprise me![: We went to Rite Aid to get icecream and I saw this ducky that was sooooo cute&I reallly wanted ! &Kyle without letting me know goes &buys it! He's sooo sweeet![: Thankyou soo much for the ducky I love it! I named him Donald [: Hehehe!

He's my Donald ducky &thats my new ducky Donald [:

Sweetsweet karma!

2009-03-23T09:58:00.000-07:00

I laaaahve when karma takes control! Buuut serioooously, its about time! Haha I don't mean to sound bitter or envious buuuut seriously this was bound to happen.. Karma was bound to bitechu in the ass for whatchu did to me![: In the words of Lil Kim, "Is you wit me? How couldju evah decieve me? Paybacks a bitch mothafacka, believe me!" woooordup!(: ahhhh today has been one of the best days of my life so far, which is sad knowing someone else is having the worst day of their life. Anyyyways! Haha...I've had the biggest headache ever all day! :[ I hate beiiing siick its sucha fcking kiiiilller! >:[ I forgot my basketball stuff &I wasn't feelin good so I didn't practice and apparently my group doesn't need me for filming today so no filming today either and I don't have much homework so don't got shit to do today... I hope I getta see a certain someone! :D hehe my head hurrrts bad :[ I think ill take a nap er somethang then maybe dinner with sister again? OHYEAH! Sisters down here from Berkley for spring break!(: had dinner with my brother, sister &others at Rockstar noddles it was fun! Haha I always have fun with em! I missed my sister soooo much :[ she even got her lip pierced..its funny how people can't tell us apart sometime cause she's not even blood related (: haha gwaddd I can't wait til schools over and its summahsummah time yknoooow! :D ill be legally licensed &unbraced faced! You'll see me :D all daaay errday! [: and I might even get a job at Speedzone! I can't wait til summer!(:

He came to suprise me with a Samoa Girl Scout cookie since I've been craving them alot lately! [: Thanks Kyle Steven Yamamoto! Your the best![:<3

Nine months ago...

2009-03-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an interesting day. It was akward being around you as nothing more than just a friend. Talking to you as just my friend after soo long. Its killing me inside to try to see us as just friends. I can't picture you as just my friend, so now I have to picture my life without you. This is one of the hardest things I've done. But the best way to do this is just to throw away everything. Throw away your sweater, drawings, letters, &the memories of you. Delete the texts, myspace messages, comments, and the pages&pages of IM's saved on my computer since the first time we talked..I've saved every conversation we had, I've taken pictures of every day we chill, I've lovedju more&more every month that went by. I know I put up this front of not loving you, not wanting you...but deep inside I'm dying without you. It's hard letting go of something you knew could work out, something you knew you would wanna be with for a whileeee!..I'm not ready to let go, to move on, to live my life without you. More obstacles have come my way &now I won't have you by my side holding my hand through the darkness being my light to guide me the way. I'm soo confusedd I really DON'T know what to do OR what I'm doing! All I wanted was..some improvements..all I wanted was to feel special. I've been wanting the same thing we've been fighting over the SAMETHING. I tell you over&over..and now its come to this. The official breakup. Something I never thought I'd have to face. But this time, its different. This time I'm hurting, but I'm not budging to go back. I'm really not sure what's going through my head or heart. I know I love you, but I don't know why I can't just run back. I guess this is my muturity kicking in. My brain telling me, "Don't go back, don't run back to the same ol' story. The hurting, the fighting, the pain. You love him, but you need to see the change. You can't always run back to him the next day without actully SOLVING the problems. Without talking things through. It shouldnt always have to go down to a breakup, but maybe a REAL breakup will finally get through his head.. it's time to change buddy. But this time, he won't be changing for you, instead he'll be changing to become a better boyfriend for some other girl. &while you know you can't stand that, you made the choice to end it. You made the choice to let him go and now it's time to face the future. It's time to face reality. Yeah your the one who wanted to breakup, but your the one sitting here waiting for his calls, listening to love songs, comtemplating whether this will last..I know where I wanna be I know what I want, but I just can't go back to the same story. I'm done looking stupid, I'm done hearing "I toldju so!"..Baby prove em wrong..Baby prove to me." Every damn song on my myspace totttally relates! Likeeee damn... "Break up"; "I wanna hear your voice but I don't want you to call I wanna see you BOY but not see you at all I wanna make up but I still wanna fight I wanted to break up but it just don't feel right... I hate you, you hate me but still can't escape we and all the bullshit we've been going through lately hearbroke, lovestruck, tellin' ya'll it ain't me life without you girl, is something that I can't see I ain't gon' lie say I don't get lonely but it's only so much I can kick it with the homies been a couple weeks but it feels like you're still there no matter how clean I'm still finding your hair or some shit you forgot, or I'm standing in that spot, where you came so hard I didn't think that you would stop! But quiet as a step, I know you miss me just a little washed the sheets when you left, but still smell you on my pillow and... Everything I do it reminds me of you, and Everything I see reminds me of we, &Everytime I lust it reminds me of us, BOY I wna stay together cuz I hate breaking up You didn't call me last night, what you trying to be, strong? You'll call yourself stupid when you finally hear this song 'cause I would've took you back I was waiting to, in fact all you had to do was hollar, boy I would've just collapsed and fell into a trap and started to relapse and yo ass never called so it just never happened. I try ta follow through but I wind up calling you hanging up before it ring, boy it's really all on you but you'd wna get into it, make me mad, push my buttons got us tripping off of little stuff that don't mean nothin I was sick of the suffering, the fighting, the fussing what happened to the love and the late night discussions about children and family, the future, the planet now it's all over 'cause you couldn't understand me... Started missing you again last night - 'til I remembered all the reasons that yo ass loved to fight, it's like dude- I really wanted this to work, but you- had to get your shit together first, but what's worse I really wanted you to stay but I needed you to leave 'cause we was fighting everyday Alright, not everyday, I know that that's a lie darn it, we was supposed to be companions we was more like opponents don't this song make you wanna do it one more time? Can I still be the only girl that's on your mind? I'm too proud to beg, but I'm hoping that you're not I would take you back quick boy, without a second thought but I'm caught up in my pride and I can't make the call I didn't want to break up, just a break, that's all it's been a long time, I know I probably shouldn't have left you 'cause you're the only man that I wanna sleep next."
Now thaaaat song is pretty much TRUE. I can't even change anything on my page...I'm in denial, I'm thinking somehow maybe we'll get back together..but then part of me is thinking I'm crazy..Got my ipod on shuffle and randomly its been playing; "Baby"
"Let me love you" "Cupid" "Everybody knows" "You got me" "Someone" "If you leave" "Bust it baby" "Deserves you more" "Sunset" every damn song that makes me think of you! Lately especially the song "Sunset" has been making me think of you, with lyrics like this; "I remember the day you first told me that I was the GIRL that had your heart From that day forth I knew that nothing would Even come &tear us apart So then people try to warn me about you Said that I should never trust you But so stupid me I didn't listen then I let myself go fall in love with you (What happened to us) You were supposed to be my future But do I really have to take it right back (Are you really in love) Or was I just a game to prove to yourself You could get a girl? You're more beautiful than anything in this world More precious than the rarest diamond or pearl And even though we didn't work out together You're still my sunset-set-set-set And I know that you and I are two worlds apart But you'll always be the one to have my heart I'm gonna love you for now and forever Cause you're my sunset-set-set-set-set Your innocent smile used to drive me wild Even though you ain't innocent at all And now I feel so stupid cause I'm the only girl That ever loved you even with all your flaws Even your best friend questioned why I still wanted to be with you after knowing your past But he didn't understand in knowing your past Was why I thought we could past(What happened to us) We had something special but Was I not good enough for youet Catch some flowers fly because without even trying I still ended up hurting you and I'm sorry Maybe one day we'll end up talking again Maybe one day we'll go back to being just friends Promise to love you baby til my life ends Cause you're my sunset-set-set-set-set No matter what happened between me and you I'll always be the girl that you could run to I loved you then I love you now and forever Cause you're my sunset-set-set-set-set-set. " No douuubbbt Ima always be there for you, cause baby YOU ARE MY SUNSET. Ughhhhhs, what happen to us? I can recall from our first IM conversation to our first unofficial date, to our first phonecall(: Those are days I'll never forget. After movies at Edwards for my first time just kickin it outside for an hour or two just talking, talking bout life, basketball, music, drama, all that. We got closer in two hours than I've ever gotten close to anyone else in days. That was when I knew, damnnnn this is the boy I wanna be with. He's the "only one". Like the song "Only one" goes.. "you and me together make the perfect combination like a body to a soul like an actress to a role i know you have trust issues but i'm here to let you know i'm your catherine you're my joe better half you make me whole i know you go through my phone checkin all of my messages thinkin i'd do you wrong tryna see who i'm messin with baby i'll ride for you baby i'll die for you you are the only one the only that i'm lovin the only one that i'm lovin is you and the only one i let touch me is you the one i share my sheets with, baby the only one that i want is you the only one that i'm missin is you and the only one that i'm kissin is you you're the only one that sees me look rough in the morning get that early lovin baby, the only one i'm lovin is you see me without you would be like some music with no song us together is not a choice its like me without a voice and baby when i tell you that there's nothing going on i'ma need you to trust me and stop tryna prove me wrong, baby cause you get all my love and i swear it's only you you're the only one for me just open up and see you gave your heart i won't break it my love for you ain't changin baby please hear what i'm sayin here's all of me so take it." ...how come all of these songs didn't have the same meaning they do now as they did a couple of days ago. How come everything is starting to make sense. How come it's when we're away from eachother is when I miss you the most? Why is it thats how I realize how much I love you and wantchu..? Relationships are the most confusing thing ever. Makeup breakup makeup breakup just choose one right? On and off on and off..why can't we just choose one! Ughhhs! -_-Nothing makes sense..but I guess one thing does...

"First week of a break up is akward and boriing, your on my mind more than you ever were. so i clean to find my forgetting &i find things i couldnt find before.. your bracelet your sweater reasons why i liked you until my room reaks of your influence love cant be because of jealousy &neglect. they ruin romantic moments with questions and lies jealousy dreams of deciving thats what we do witout our nightmares we wouldnt have problems solvings not an option cause solutions are few neglection; you dont love her like new. i thot id be cool without you but i still see you in pictures, corners, windows; song after song i think of you they play back that makes me think over and over wishing we could go back they say it takes twice as long to forget than to get to kno so now im here waitin another 18 months to go.. this is so you kno It don't matter who or what is to blame because after the first week of a break; alone feels the same."

Suprisesuprise!; Hope you liked it. I do it just to see you smile.

Lovers&Friends

2009-03-21T10:29:00.001-07:00

Steph don't read this blog it may depress you! Just a heads up for yaaah boo!<3

Mms..so Friday.. Here's a play by play of my night. Went to Kyle's SAT class &left him a lilsumtinsumtin on his car. On posty notes I put "Just because I love you" &placed em on the back of his car. Then bought him a double scoop of cookies&cream his favorite. &I made him a card. THEEN SUPRISE KYLE! Haha.. Kicked it my house the drove off towards cue direction but ended at Coconut Bay for JJ's suprise dinner party!(: it was fun seeing everyone! But MOST IMPORTANTLY! Having allllll the BFFE's together for once! We haven't done that since summer -_- it was great! I missedju guys soo much! I'm soo happy everythings back to normal!(: &I finally gotta chill with Mama Mao&Sister CHRISTIE! Hehe of course my baybeh bffe Cindy Mao! I missed my MAO family!<3 haha Mama Mao threatened Kyle &was spittin game at Patrick! She's my idol (; afteeeer that we all busted a bitch &went to Lifeeee! It was coooo then went home.

Fighting, arguging, yelling, cussing, crying..I've never had a worst breakdown like that ever. My eyes are swollen as fck I can't even see cause em! I look like fckin Ryan Oh right now. -_- <-- or that.. I've never cryed that hard before..not for my grandfathers death, not for gettin the belt, or ANY heartbreak. I've never felt so low in my life. My self-esteem has never been crushed like that. Things never change between us, we run in the stupid cycle of breakupmakeup; but do we ever FIX IT?! Nooooooope! We jus think saying I'm sorry &a few kisses here &there will solve everything, but it doesn't. &now I'm here.. I'm to the point where I can't do this anymore. Where I really just wantchu out of my life &gone for good. Hey maybe I will regret it for the first few months but its always like that's. The first week of a break is the worst. But its the same for everyone. We feel alone. But ykno what alone isn't necessarily bad, maybe alone is what I need. Maybe alone will help me figure things out, help me grow, help me muture and focus on life. Life moves on. I'm sorry, I do love you. But love isn't enough. Love isn't something you can jus hold on the tip of your fingers &only hold on to it when it counts. Try holding on even when it doesn't count &this wouldn't happen. I'm tired of this! I'm tired of feeling unappreciative, unloved, unspecial, unhappy. I kno ill meet someone who'll do all of this. I'm still young! I'm still growing! I know things will get better! I know God has something better in store for me! Thankyou God thankyou for this life expierence. Thankyou for showing me my mistakes! Thankyou for showing me strength to stop all this. For the strength to tell myself I DON'T DESERVE THIS I DON'T NEED THIS! The strength that says "Melissa, you are independent. You don't need someone by your side all the time. You can do this on your own you can go through things on your own. You control your future &happiness." Thankyou to all my friends who've been here for me. Who've always supported me no matter what decision I made no matter how many times I repeated the same mistake. You guys have always been there for me &I really appreciate it. I love you guys!(:

I love having talks with my oldest brother he knooows whaasuup! Nojoke, he makes me feel sooo independent. He's the reason why I'm so muture beyond my age. He helps me realize the bullshit I go threw aint worth shit! I'm fckin young once college hits I won't have any time for this type of bs. Aye if you can't handle if you can't hang then droppp it. Ill meet someone who can. From words of a wise guy "In a relationship its about each person trying their hardest to make the other happy. Its equality of work &equality of love. You'll do anything &everything to see that one person smile. Even if that means a homemade card, a text with a poem, a crappy homemade cookie, or even just a letter." Damn my brother is a wise guy.. Haha (: My sistahs home from Berkley! Yay!(: Girls day with Kelsey! (:

I hate the weather! -_-

2009-03-19T20:55:00.000-07:00

So I think I'm getting sick..all day today I kept fcking sneezing and now my nose and throat hurt! Blahh, I hate being siick, I wasn't even sick during winter..These stupid weather changes is fcking me up. Hopefully I don't get siick and I'm better by tmwr! Is it me or as school comes closer to an end the days seems to be longer.. -_- I hate school, like nojoke. It's soo boring..stressful..and annoying. I really am fckitstyle with school I just don't care. Ughs I feel like crapp right now. My nose hurts from all the sneezing and my throat is starting to hurt :[ Days seem to be soo boring and repetative. I want something new, something thrilling, exciting, adventurous to happen! Please? :D Since my blogs lately have been very pesstimistic this one won't be, haha just for you Steph![: Tmwrs Friday, thankGod! I look forward to the weekend every week.. never got anything really planned, but I just like the fact it's not going to school. Its only 9pm and I'm pretty sleepy. Maybe I'll go to sleep early today! [: Gnighhhhhhhhhhhht!

Blah, sometimes I wonder...
- What do you do during the day?
- Who do you text/call other than me?
- What goes through your mind at night?
- Why all the excuses all the time..?
- Why cantchu ever just be open &straightup?
- Do you even mean half of the things you say?
Somethings are better left unsaid and somethings we'll never know.
I hate how I planned suprising you &you totally disregard plans you made with me and make new plans. Really?; Fcking thanks. -_- Maybe they're fcking right, enough is enough. I can't bitch when I'm not doing anything about it, Why bitch when I can easily just end it..FUCK. -_- What a waste of work today. -_- Shoulda known better shoula known by now. Things never change, people never change.

There's this feeling in my gut;

2009-03-18T21:38:00.000-07:00

That's telling me something bads going to happen. So what am I to do? Follow it? Listen to it? Before whenever I had a gut-feeling about something it was right. They say, "Make mistakes, but learn from it." But if that was the case then I'd be single. I just really don't wanna see a replay of my past relatuonship. Insecurity, trust issues, and jealousy. Insecurity is natural, especially for girls who've been cheated on. Insecurity is one of my cons. Something I really need to work on..Trust issues? Yeeeep, thats a BIG PROBLEM! I usually don't give anyone my trust &if you do recieve my trust, thats a big issue. If you lose it your pretty much screwed for life, truuust ask Jonathan Aclaro he worked 6 months tryna get it back and NEVAH DID, still hasn't. Its hard to gain my trust back..I never forget, I do forgive, but pain cuts deep. Jealousy, jealousy ruins relationships. I am a very jealous person. I hate when girls flirt with my man, cause I will smack a hoe[: Yknooow! But nojoke I dislike dishonesty and if you wanna kickit or you meet new people just tell me! Let me kno wsup! Don't keep shit lowkey makes it seem shady nawmean? Shit Im a fckin rapper. Blaaaaaaaaaah. I don't know what Im talking bout soo much yet soo little is on my mind. Lately I've been thinking and I think I like those romantic types. Don't get me wrong, you don't gotta do it big, you don't needa spend $$$, just do the little things. Just make me smile, giggle, feel those butterflies. I'm a girl, I'm a suckker for that cutesy sweet-talking gooodstuff!

Maybe I should take a few pointers from a page of Lauren's book. Tell em straiiightup, "You're a great guy and everything and I really like you, but you know what. I'm a romantic and I'm into romantic guys. Your just lazy. Yeah saying, "you wanted to""You were thinking about it" "I never finished" are all excuses, it just contridicts the concept 'its the thought that counts' cause how much does it really count if it was just a thought but never fullfilled. I know I'm a good person and I deserve someone who's gonna actually try. I can get better and I can do better. So ykno what I've put up with this long enough, even if I like you alot. Enough is enough. It's just not worth not feeling happy or special. I'm sorrry your a great guy, but not the one I want. Your just not the guy for me. " Damn, maybe. I guuuuesssssss!

Times change, people change.

2009-03-16T22:08:00.000-07:00

Nothings ever the same. But if I could I would go back..back to how it used to be. Dontchu wish the good things would last longer &the bad would go away faster. The good would never change while bad would jus slip away...I wish things could be like that. Why is it in relationships we tend to care more, show more, impress more in the beginning &slack the rest of the way? I love the feelings of a new relationships, starting over. Cause ykno at that moment you two are the only ones on eachothers mind. We fall into the infatuated stage then to the sprung &the "comfortable" stage. I hate that 3rd stage. I hate when they get "used-to" you. When they think they gotchu &don't hafta try as hard. In basketball they say, "you start hard you finish hard." And I believe that for many situations. I don't understand some people. How can you talk to certain people only when its necessary or whenever you feel like it. I'm not a doormat you can't just step all over me. You can't just use me. You can just come to me when you need me. To receive a friend you gotta be one! And btw, I'm not a "fallback" or "rebound" so stop coming to me! -_- I'm starting to get fedup with everything &everyone! -_-

Deep talk, reeeeal talk;

2009-03-15T23:51:00.000-07:00

Lately my eyes have been opening up to real life drama. I've learned who are the people I can truly rely on when times get rough. I know there are many out there, but I needa give special thanks to Fonso!<3 He gives the biggest impact cause he's the bluntest bitch I know (: even if he hates someone he helps them out to someone he cares about happy! I can tell him ANYTHING and EVERYTHING! Nojoke! He's seriously the only person next to Kyle that knoooows errrthang! Thankyou Fonso! I love you!(: <3 other than friends in my mind, family has been becoming a bigger picture in my life. Today I went out for dinner with my brothers which I haven't done in forever. It felt soo good being able to open up and have a good time with them. Its hard since their both in college and we all wanna do our own thang we rarely see eachother let alone talk. I remember back in the day me&my brother would tag along my oldest brother &his friends. But now its not like that.. Today felt like a closure bond. I was able to vent to them &tell em how I feel about a lot of things, things I can't talk to anyone else about. Thanks you guys, thankyou for being great older brothers. For looking out for me &taking care of me. I love you guys! Lately I've seen how unappreciative I am and others are of family. I've realized how disrepectful and ungrateful of my parents I am. I love my parents to death. Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without them. My dad works so hard. It does over time just to make sure there's money for food and household supplies and occassional going out to spend money for me &my brothers. He drives me everywhere and I mean everywhere..even after he gets home from a 12 hour shift. To top everything off he has health problems that needs to be taken care of. He needs to get surgery done, but that doesn't stop him from working. That doesn't stop him from tryna make me happy. I love my daddy. I'm sucha spoiled brat. All I do is yell and complain to him..but what I really should be doing is taking care &appreciating him. Thankyou for everything&all your hardwork daddy!<3 I'm a true daddy's little princess. But I'm also a Miss Independent thanks to my mother. The woman who gave me birth. The woman who cooks, cleans, takes care of me. The woman who struggled so much learning english to be able to work and have a better relationship with her kids. The woman who left her good life being a hair dresser for famous actors, owning her own market, &studying in college to immigrate to America so her kids could have a better life, even if that meant a harder life for her. The woman who cause living in America she was diagnosed with glucomia. My mother who does all she can for her ungrateful family. Who took care of my grandfather, her father-in-law day and night when he became immediately ill even though he never treated her like part of the family. The woman who put up with all my disrespectfulness, my bitchy side, my mistakes, my failures. Who buys me things lowkey cause she wants me to be happy, takes me everywhere even if my dad says no cause she knos it'll make me happy, who never really says she's proud of me but brags to all my aunts (: my mother who I became so close to the past couple of years..from boys to crying about my brothers leaving me for college. She's always been there. But I've been the worst daughter ever. I constantly go out &leave her alone all day. I choose to ignore her and yell at her for no reason. Today really opened my eyes. Seeing my mother breakdown. I've never seen her cry. She's always been this strong independent fcking boss woman to me. But actually seeing her cry so hard killled me. I couldn't even really comfort her cos I didn't kno the words in spanish. I tried my best. And hopefully she saw that. Today was the first time I told my mom "I love you mommy" with a kiss on the cheek &a hug. My one regret in life is not being affectionate. Not knowing how to show I love someone. &for this not only do I show no affection to my parents, but to that certain special someone. I tend to put up the shell of independence. Where I seem like I have no heart no emotions. But thanks to this person, having the most pacience in the world with me..he's helping me open up he's showing me how to show my feelings. He's helping me grow as a person. He's helping me see my flaws &showing me how to fix them. Thankyou Kyle Yamamoto! I honestly can't see you out of my life. I can't see the future without being with you. Your one of the best things that have happen to me. Even though we may fight a lot we have soo many good memories &no one knows me like you do. No one can put up with me like you do. I love you soo much for that. Thank you for putting up with my bipolar mood swings, my iffy stories, my bitchmode, my breakdowns, my breakups, my bad side, but more importantly thanks for putting up with ME. Thanks for always wanting to stay through everything. <3 our phone call tonight was one of the best. I love how though we may have a quick 5min fight it always ends up turning into a 2 hour long deep talk. We tend to get a better understanding of one another and closer, stronger every night. I've never felt so sure about anything in my life. You make me feel like all my past relationships were jokes. They were warmsup before the real deal, the real game. I can honestly say &feel like you are the love of my life. I usta believe I was in love with another. I usta believe he was my first love. But I was wrong. I was blind. But now I see the light &the light shows me that YOU are my first love. YOU are the one I am IN love with. YOU are Mr. RIGHT!<3

Time to go to sleep &dream sweet dreams. To wakeup to a new&brighter day. To go to school &learn to receive an education. Get some exercise by ballin &spend some quality time with my mother &later see Kyle Yamamoto(: <3 I sense this week being a good week!(: Goodnight everyone! Smile causeee life's good!<3

2 in the morning!;

2009-03-15T02:15:00.000-07:00

Laying down thinking about everything thas been making me frown :[ &I've come to realize what makes me happy in life(: being surrounded my love ones &the sweet aroma of love. Fighting for something worth having loving someone worth being &wanting nothing less than perfection. Lately everything been so difficult, but who said it'd be easy?; if it was easy it wouldn't be worth doing..Right? damn straiiight! After every struggle, after every arguement I know it'll make me grow as a person it'll push me closer to the new-er improved me, the future me. The world is a scary place..its like being alone in a pitch dark room, but when someone's down enough to stay witchu, holdin your hand through everything..its not that scary. You tend to find some light in all that darkness. And I thank God every day for my little flicker of light<3 I thank God for bringing me all this goodness&love in my life. I'd love to thank my flicker of light for always being there for me; mentally, physically &spiritually. It takes alot of bad friendships to find the good ones and trust me I had to go through ALOT of bad to get a handful of goood friends<3(: You gotta go through bad to get to go; I went through some bad relationships to finally endup with this something special<3 good fell apart so better could come together &I've never felt so sure in my life before..

OH&thanks to KevinJumba or whatever! I like to believe "girls are like m&ms" so truesotrue! Don't be racist &eat all the m&m's you bastards and remember "girls are delicious(; " haha!

Come close; Stay;

2009-03-12T22:54:00.000-07:00

"From now on ima use self-control instead of birthcontrol because $315 dollars aint worth your soul. I never dreamed to leave in summer, you said you'd be here when it rains. Why didn't you stay?"
Break-up to make-up; ups&downs; happy&sad; you&I opposites, yet so similar...it just makes sense to go back together. Its not the fact we're not ready or we weren't meant to be. It just means we need to both put in a lot of effort, we both need to make it work. We can't jus fight&breakup we needa do things differently, we needa muture. Talk things out, work things out, make things work. We've talked about alot&both have mutured and were understanding &reasonable bout a specific serious topic. I'm glad I'm not doing this on my own, instead I have you by my side. You my ride or die, my lover, my bestfriend, my baby. Thankyou for everything.<3

Today was boring. Intense basketball practice +lonnnng wait 4hrs to be exact at the clinic = fatigue exaughsted Melissa. They took blood outta me &I hadn't eaten all day so I felt soo blaah &crappy.. So me&my cousin went to Vons looking for Girl scout cookies but no luck bought other kind &pigged out (: it was a good 5 hour bonding with my superwoman, Jackie Kuniyoshi!<3 I love her to death! I don't kno what I'd do witout her :[ <3 thankyou soo much for everything! Loveyou!<3 welllll I'm sleepy. Tmwrs Friday finallly!(: date with mistamista (;

2009-03-11T19:10:00.000-07:00

Ughs.. Today was crap to a WHOLEEE LOT BETTER!(: soo it started with lastnight; "hereee we go again" replay of my life -_- afterrrr talked to HO which was fun; haah reading FML.com playin "who'd I" &just catchingup went to sleep at 2AM! -_- FML! Theeen wokeup at 6 got ready&shiiit. Morning call didn't go too great =/ got a text from Tawnya to ask for help with Sadieeees shiiii then I went to the bathroom to fix my hair change the toilet paper roll & BOMB phone dropped in the toilet YEAH THAT SHIT NEEDSTA GO ON FML.COM -_- tooottallly ruined my morning went to school fcking cold&tireddd.. Helped Tawnya for Zachs first period class then went to Spanish which was sooo warm hadda feel like sleepin then history was boring! English made me wanna shoot myself all this talk about colleges &how hard it'll be to get in! FML.. Soo fckin depressing went into physics tireddd then sports medicine sleepy.. It was lunch &I thot I had a Spanish meeting NOPEE ITS TMWR! So I was sitting in Camachos lookin all stupiiid -_- theeen chilled with Gy at lunch and gotta talk to her bout school, life, boyfriends all that gooodstufff. It was a great talk I lovee you Gy! After lunch it was 6th period &I did not wanna talk to anyone..just got out some paper &jot down some thoughts &feelings.. Went to Gills signed in &left home.. Breakdown &started crying.. Fell asleep &wokeup to his text "are you home? Where are you"(: and then I got up to my mom yelling "Meli Kyles here!"(: ohhgosh that turnnned my day upside down! Thankyou thankyou thankyou soo much you don't even knoooow! It felt as if weight was lifted offa my chest. Talked things out&was able to be happy the wholee time he was over (: then he left :[ watched the Laker game which was pathetic -_- and now on my way to Adrians to pickup a phone ima borrow Thanks Adrian! then to dance. FML ima be late -_-

Suprisesuprise!;

2009-03-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

Schooool's so fcking boring. 6th period was the funnest; question of the day "Girl with boobs no butt or butt no boobs?" Apparently, it depends on her height. Shawwty's big boobs no butt while tall girls no boobs big butt. Haha then Jonjon asked me "Big dick ugly body, small dick bangin body" Wellll yknoooow >;] HAH! No basketball practice, basketball meeting about spring league. Theeen off to Walnut High with Alfy![: Suprised Frank, JJay, &Nick! Gotta see my Chunti Tricia<3 I haven't seen her in so long :[ Saw lowkeyMILFlover Justin. -_- Justkidding<3 Afterrrr all that goodstufff went to Frank's! Denggg haven't been there in forevah too! Spend some bonding time with Alfy, Frank &new pretty friend, Sam! We went through the yearbook &said who was cute&who was MOSDEF naaaaht! Hahaha, goodshiiiiet. Got home around 5pm started my homework, talked on the phone for about an hour with Jas &theen showered, ate dinner, blowdryed &straightened my hair. Now just chillin' with my brother&his friends. Blaaah, sadies is coming up and I'm stuck between asking this one guy¬. Its just a dance I ain't tryna get in his pants er nothannnng but I know some people would TRIPPPP. Eh, we'll see how errthang falls into place.

I gotta be optimistic, right Zach?(:

Sunday morning;

2009-03-08T12:51:00.000-07:00

rain is falling steal some cover share some skin clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable you twist to fit the mold that I am in but things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do&I would gladly hit the road get up&go if I knew that someday it would lead me back to you...

That may be all I need in darkness HE is all I see come and rest your bones with me driving slow on Sunday morning &I never want to leave

Lazy Sunday with no homework to do! Today is family day; hopefully it gets my mind off of all this bs. I can't stand this off and on; I yell you yell. You say things you don't mean I say things I don't mean. Last night was the cherry on the top. I can't stand the degrading, the implications, and the assuming. Criticizing me, lowering my self-esteem, and making me depressed..that's not what I want. &Yes I do have a mind of my own, you swear like I have no backbone &all I do is listen to others. I was with you for so long, so obviously I didn't listen to others. A lot of mistakes I've made was cause I didn't listen so maybe I should start. I was told by one of my subs, "If they are only holding you back, not helping you grow and get where you needa go. Then giirl you don't need them in your life; whether its a friends, boyfriend, or family member." Yupp, she was right. She is right. How do I leave someone I love so much? But I guess when it gets to the point where you can't take it no more it just happens... There's nothing in me that makes me want to go back, there's nothing in me thats feelings this anymore. I guess I'm just soo fed up and tired of everything. I don't wanna fight anymore, I don't wanna cry anymore, I don't wanna put up with your shit anymore. I've never been like this before with anyone..but I guess this shows I'm done. I'm sorry. There's nothing left to be said.

Sunday niiighhht;
After all is said and done...at the end of the night I still have mad love for you but standing my ground. I still don't wanna do this and I need my time and space..please understand. I've realized I'm not ready for a relationships our actions last night were very foolish and shows were not ready to do this.. I need some time alone without a boy in my life. But I can't deny it. I'm missing you like crazy...<3

Busybusybusy Saturday!;

2009-03-07T16:22:00.001-08:00

I wokeup hella early! Around 9am? Yeaah for no damnnn reason! So I just ate some breakfast watched One on One &Clueless yeeah nothaangs on early mornings.. Theen my grandma came over for a little and then she left pwahah. Had some bonding time with my mommy watching One on One &Big Daddy. Daaamn she killls shows -_- Haaah she's like a black person in the theaters! Jussstkiddddan! (; round Lunchtime I ate pasta yummmay!(: &watched Happy Gilmore with my brother. After that I did some yoga for a good hour or so! Showered &did all that good relaxing stuffff! Start getting ready for the center dance at 5; gotta do my haiiiir, makeup &decide what to wear! I'm sorta sleeepy maybe a nap before hand? Gwaad errthangs happenin today! My BFFE's went to the beach, but I couldn't go :[ there's a party tonight aint going to :[ &sososo much more! Ohhhhweelllls! Hopefully tonight at the dance with Tawnya&Kelsey will be fun! Shoooot, with em I'm suree it will! :D kaaay update when I get back ! Have a nice day everyone! Its pretty outside! (:

Kelsey came over we got ready pickedup Tawnya then got some grubb at CarlsJr then we were off to the dance. It was empty at first then a lot more people got there.. Dj was whateeverrrs.. Dance was good bad good it was like any other dance. Mms I shoulda gave up dancing for lent. FML. I don't know what to do anymore... all I can say is "I'm sorry." But that's just not enough is it.. I don't think I know how to do this.. I don't this I was made for this.. I'm a foolish child still making mistakes to learn from to grow..

Busybusybusy Saturday!;

2009-03-07T16:22:00.000-08:00

Time motherfckin out!

2009-03-05T11:36:00.000-08:00

Soo this whole day has been boring.. I'm in fifth period sports training bored to haaiiil! -_- nojoke life seems soo boring..I like it better when I'm busy&got shiii to do..but I don't even have hw cause I finish in class..I'm thinking of starting on Kyle's mommys birthday present thennn maybe try answering some questions for SAT's ? Eh naaaht! Haha I don't knoow I needa find a yoga class already -_- call the Hula instructor and all that junkk! Its Thursday which means tmwrs Friday! Finaaally this weeks gone by so slooooow! Plans for tmwr? Hms school, basketball practice til3ish shower &get ready for movies&dinner with Kyle? Mostlikely! Haha maybe even some quick shopping too!(: it will be the start of a good weekend! Saturday; maybe Lunch with Kyle&his family for his birthday thing theeen center dance kickit it with Tawnya&Kelsey after the dance.. Sunday?; family get together? I hope this is a good month! (:

BREAKBREAKBREAK! Fuck finally.
Yknooow what.. Its gonna lead me to crossing off the edge. Sorry baby, but its soon to be over! Oh there's your "baby" you've been bitchin bout. Idgaf no more!

Happy birthday, Niko!

2009-03-04T21:00:00.000-08:00

Aww today is my little boyfriends birthday &he's turning 9 years old! He's soo fckin adorable! Happy birthday, Niko!(:
Schools soo fcking boring! -_- gwwad shoot myself! :[ if I get the gun loaded wil you pull the triiiiger?! Anywaaaaaays! Sososo boyfriend came over agaaaaain haha -_- theeen met up with him&his family at Chuck-E-Cheese for his little brother's birthday! I had a lot of fun! (: fccckin Kyle -_- cheeated like a mofackah! We played the basketball game and I beat him soo many times and I wanted to take a picture but he fcking restarted that shit! -_- fckin asshole! Ohhh weellls! Gooood night overall! I'm pretty excited for the weekend! This weeks going by so slow its barely gonna be Thursday -_- shoot myself. I think this whole no eating rice makes me bitchy&cranky -_- I reallllly don't know I'm so fcking annoyed&fedup with so much shiet..

What woulda coula been...

2009-03-03T16:01:00.000-08:00

This week is going by soo slow! Today was sucha boring daaaay! :[ no homework cause I finished it all in class! Yayyy! No basketball practice today! Dentist appointment for my "tiny cavity" dude I hate my dentist he makes me buy all this bullshit -_- I hadda pay $140 for my filling BULLSHIT dawg my teeth don't even hurt &I don't eat a lot of candy, rarely do I -_- they numbed my mouth and I can't feel shit! Ughhhs I don't like it.. Shopping with mommy after yay! :] went to forever21 ran into Alexis I see that giiiirl errwhere! I bought jeans that's it -_-
Mmms..today woulda been her one year &my year&a half.. Its been soo long.. It feels like forevah since we talked..what woulda coulda been has turn into nevah evah will happen.. Is that good or bad? Bad in a sense of I wasted my so much with you; I wasted money, my love, my time..I could careless for money.. Time is flexible but I would like a few months of that bs back please, but mosdef you wasted my LOVE causee hunnay you kno nobodddy do it like how I do. No body aint evah gonna treatchu like I did or put up with all that I did. Face it, yo giiiirl can't do half of what I did. BUT! That's just too bad, I didn't put MYLOVE to waste!; I gave it to someone better, someone worth it. I gave it to my boyfriend, Kyle Yamamoto! Part-time bestfriend; Full-time lover!<3 yeah our relationship aint perfect yeah its filled with the same BS but what's different between our relationship &the one we HAD...I trust him. I've fallen in love with him! I don't put up with his shit to put up with it, but his love gives me strength to be pacient&understanding. It has given me the strength to heal faster than ever. Even though we fight alot we do it cos we care for one another &miss eachother. Sometimes its for the magical after affect of "makingup"(: Lemmme tell you! Our makeup's are the beessst! Its worth the fighting haha<3 I think I'm done looking, I'm don't tripping, baby I've fallen, fallen for my Mr. Right now &forever. He's my Mr. Dream, my boyfriend, my bestfriend, my BOSSMAN, my babyducky, he's ALL mine! &NO B!TCH I don't like to share, so mothafck me don't let me catch you tryna spit some game or tryna grind up on him cauusseee yknooow I will mosdef tear YOUR sh!t up. Just a reminder, girls!(: Especially since the center dance is coming up &I aint down for no skankHOEhoochiemama tryna dance all up on maah baybeh cause cunt will get her hair pulled&escorted ouutt of the gym yadddadameaaaan?! Yes my inner ghetto black girl does come out. So don't fck with me k, thanks!(:

Breaks to heartache; Surpises to melted hearts

2009-03-02T20:26:00.000-08:00

Mmms so last night it went from me saying "I need space" and ended as a "we're on a break" by 4am. Things said that shouldn't had been said &feelings hurt... we keep fighting &arguing, but only cause the distance is killlllllin us, but lately I've been crazy fedup, buuuuuuuut!
He made up for all that today!(: my baby suprised me at home..! At firrrst I was pushing him away, but cos my baby loves me so much he only embraced me even more(: he made me NOT want this stupid break at all! I can't even stay mad at him.. Or stay in a break longer than a couple of hours.. -_- our break lasted 8 hours -_- gwaaad. But that's a good thing! I think? Well my interview went pretty good got a 20/20 on my spanish speaking thing! So overall good day. Dentist appt. tmwr -_- fckmylife. SIKE Lovemylifeee!

Happy birthday, Sofi Chinen![:

2009-03-01T20:56:00.000-08:00

Happppy birthdaaay love! Hope you had a good one 19?!.. now?! Holllyyy crappp giiirl! I lovee you thanks for always being there for me &hearing me out! I loveee family bondings with you<3 Hope you had a good one giiirl!

Todaaaay was facking boring! Just homework; drove down to Baby's R Us in Westco walked into Chicks for a bit went to Target then drove home pickedup my brother went to my aunts.. watched tv watched some youtube and then back home..finished homework and now phone with my baaaaabyboy!<3(: hehe.. Tmwr shorten day &ROP interview! -_- fckmylife. sikeee! Loveee my life.<3

Mms..late night blogging..a lot is going through my head.. Mostly cause of stress.. Stress of my ROP interview, stress from school, stress of parents, and just stress in general.. Apparently my mom thinks I needa take yoga to relieve all my stress &fix my scoliosis.. I just wanna go to hula practices.. That'll help me soo much! Mms why don't I throw away stuff of my ex's; photos, gifts, drawings, cards, even roses I got em all &why?! I have nooo cluee.. Am I too lazy to throw em away or cause I can't really let go of the past.. I don't talk to most of em and I can't really remember who gave me what, but I tend to keep things people make or buy for me.. I guess cos I kno they worked on it &I like it when people make things for me outta their time&effort.. Speaking of time, its been a big issue in my life lately. There isn't enough time in the world to do anything now a days. Everything is right away and nothing is done perfectly cause we have no time. People don't have time to do anything, to be with other people, to just enjoy life.. If we ourselves have no time to do personal things then how do we have time for the ones we love? How are we able to spend time with them, do things for them, even think of them.. Sometimes I feel like I don't have time for school, friends, or a boyfriend.. Most of the time I feel like my boyfriend has NO time for me.. This weekend was great I spent a lot of time with my boyfriend, but itd be nice to have a day where we can spend the whole day together without him having some where to go or be at.. Itd be nice just a day for the two of us.. Or jus a date that'd last more than 4 hours..I don't kno thas jus me.. Days are going by so fast, the school year is coming to an end.. Senior year is around the corner and then BOMB college.. The time of my life I won't have time for anything. Its jus gonna be school &work, no time for boyfriends.. I think ill get a big taste of that life style senior year.. There goes my relationship =/ blaaaah I hate school. -_- gooodnight.

I just love how my wonderful weekend was ruined by one phone call. I love how we didn't hafta get off the phone butchu did.. Ughs whatever.. Killer for everything. I thot everything was getting better guess not.. Its like a mask..only different for a little while but always the same inside..
I knew this happiness wouldn't last.. I hate how your so down to get off knowing somethings wrong that's what really buggs me.. Thinking ill get over it by morning.. That's one thing I miss boy past relationships they didn't make me "sleep on it" they didn't let me go to sleep mad.. They'd stay up as long as it took, to make things good. Tonight you had no excuse. No one toldju to get off the phone. You chose to. I knew we'd go back to the crappy relationship we had..things never change..whatever.. Fckit style once again!

I'm sprrrrrrunng!;

2009-02-28T17:55:00.000-08:00

Out to get me, got me doing things I'd nevah do...!
Deeeyamn boy! (: happy days twice in a row, I loveeee it! My babys been sooo good to me! I can see he's trying &he's been improving! Gosh, nooo ones got a better boyfriend than I do..! (: I knooow my blogs complain a lot bout him, but ya see both him&I have been having other problems&what not so I guess we were just "rubbing eachother the wrong way" but now its just been THE RIGHT WAY! Hehe(: babe picked me up from the mall &we drove bit tryna figure out where to go to eat and we endedup at Chili's got some chips&salsa appetizers and theen I got chicken crispers thing &Kyle got the mini burgers (: hehe yummyyummy! Afterrr he took me home &we just chilled, goodstuff<3 my baby left me home alone soo I'm gonna catch a movie &dinner with my minayme Tawnya! We're gonna watch He's just not that into you! :D ohhh man! I just got back from my date with Tawnya &leeeet me tell you! " I AM THE ACCEPTION!" his acception (: gooosh greeat movie made me "AWWWW!" & tear a bit! [: sooo cutecutecute! After the movies I took Tawnyas phone &made an unpredictable phone call ;D loveyou Tawnya! Theen we saw Zach&his posey walking with security? Wtf! Haha I wanna kno what happen already! But we'll see soon! Gooood day over all two dates in one day daaamn I'm pimpin! :D

Happy birthday, GraceeyWaceey!

2009-02-27T13:55:00.000-08:00

Hapy birthday, Grace Wang!(: my skanky stripper! Pwahaha<3 I hope you have the greatest birthday ever babygiiiirl! Ima buy you a stripper pole one day for your birthday jus once I get money to pay for that shit! Haha!(: I love you Grace, you deserve errthang in the world! You don't need some nigga ass newyork livin boy ruining your lifee! Cos you got me! :D hehe <3 Loveyou Lesbian loverr girlfriend! Happy birthday!

Sosososo TGIF! Goshhh! First period went by in a quick second! Didn't do nothang except a test theeen second period we took notes easysh!t..theen third period! Yay raider report &a donut from Mrs. Weber! Thankyou Mrs. Weber, sososo sweet of you! :D annnd then we just chillled haha fourth period checked in and then went to Rennisance! Daaamn shit was waaay better than the past years! I got a high five from this suppppppppper tall guy he had to bend realllllly far &I stil couldn't reach :[ annnnd there was these sisters who hang from jus a lonnnng string thing and do crazy ass tricks! Its freakin insaaaanee! Overall it was better than years before. Theen I went to fifth did yoga stretches which was fun! (: I'm thinkin bout takin yoga.. Andd theeen it was lunch after lunch it was 6th period got my notebook checked and left to my ortho appt. Now I'm jus here in the waiting room.. Boring shit! There's not even a lot of people &I've been waiting 20 mins..well I got here at 147 and my appts at 2:00 so yeaah ahah (: after thisssss maybe hangout with Steph&Justin or Kyle? Who knows! BUT what I do know is there are soo many parties tonight &shit goin down.. Damnn :[ I wanna partttty..maybe I will tonight with my cousin? Idk we'll see!

I'm on my way home from the ortho &apparently I can get my braces off next month..but my mom said no she paid for all 12 months so ima have em on for all 12 months -_- haha whatever its almost Jule anyways! I hafta wear rubber bands whatta pain.. Welll as soon as I get home plan is to kickit with Steph&Justin!;
Soooooo an hour laterrrrr!
Went to the mall with Steph&Justin we walked around went to the arcade got some food&frozen yogurt theen went home cos of mommy -_-
Cousinly bonding time is wonderful bombnight! I really needed it, thanks!<3

Happy birthday, Bestfriend for Eternity!;

2009-02-26T21:02:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday, Cindy Mao! Hope you had a great 17th birthday! I love you so much! We've gone through so much &made soo many memories from parties to bustin missions!(: I just hope you got everything you ever wanted cause you deserve it! I miss our deep talks in 6th period. I cant wait til you come back! But i do love weekend hangouts with you&the other BFFE's &Remember! "You needa thugg in yo life cos these bu$tahs aint lovin you righh!" [; HAHA ! i FACKIN lovee you cindy mao! Bestfriends for eternity!<3

Todaaaay was sooo boring&cold! :[ I don't even really remember what happen..buuut I was walking in the morning and some guy went "CHAAAAO!" right in front of me in my face -_- Annnd went JonnJonn held my hand in 6th period then Fonso pimped slapped me and poked my eye for "cheating" on him -_- Thanks Fonso! -_- Annnnd no basketball practice! Hahaa orrrr tmwr! Yay! Tmwrs Friday, thankgod! Finaaaaallly! Sooo tmwrs gonna be soo chill just go to Spanish where we dont do much on Fridays, thenn History which were not gonna do anything but notes, theeen english just work on homework which I am almost done with just needa do Act 4 questions and Act 3 Scene 3&4 questions! I was very productive today I finished my Physics homework due Monday; Section Review questions 1-6 plus Practice 18A questions 1-5; Then Spanish speaking thing; English trace words; Act3 scene 1&2 questions! which is also all due Monday! Yay that means no homework over the weekend! After 3rd period we have Rennisance til 5th periodish &we're just doing stretches for 5th then 6th I'm leaving as soon as it starts for my ortho appt. hehe as soon as I get home its either out with Kyle or Steph&Justin! We'll see manana! Hopefully this weekend turns out to be a good weekend [:

Wow, whaaat a mood killer! -_- UGHS..looking forward to talking to you, but idk how you do it, but you manage to kill my mood. =/

Happy birthday, baby sissstah!

2009-02-25T23:38:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday, Aileen Teruya!<3
Ohh gwaash my babysissstah is already sixteen! I've seen you grow up to become sucha a beautiful girl! I remember when we were little &we would fight over my mom &we would play wrestling with our brothers. We would always draw things for one another.. You are really the baby sister I never had! You were the FIRST person I went to cue with ever! You were the person next to me when I got my shots for preschool, even tho you were the one crying ;] haha we've gone through soo much we've done soo much been everywhere we've even bathed together like sisters do when their youngins! I've always tried to protect you whenever we were in school together &the years I actually wasn't in the same school with you scared me cause I knew I wouldn't be there to help you &showed me you were growing up. I love the person you've become, so caring polite &sweet. I hope the best for you in everything. &remember ill kill the first boy to break your heart! ;] I love you leeenie weeeenie!<3

So my day? Filled with deep talks &dancing. Lets start with 6th period sub came late gave me& alex a chance to catchup since seasons been over and we got to deep talk til 7th. Basketball! Oh how I missedju! And damn how outta shaped I felt! I was jus glad while scrimmaging I didn't gaurd someone who's skills was under developed as mine, in other words I challenged myself to pair with someone better than me (: anyyyywho! The team I was on was undefeated for the little scrimmages! It was a randomass team too! Hahah (: goodjob ladies! Afterrr practice I deep talked with Alex again & taught Justin some tango steps. Theeen I went to church with my mama. Day one of Lent! No myspace, no junkfood, no cursing, no disrespecting the parents, &Jeanelle got me to giveup rice (which so far has all been a success) theeeeen she cut my hair at home.. Apparently as I was outside getting my hair cut Kyle showed up at my house &left me 6 missed calls & one text to ask where I was &open the door. Smart one didn't try knocking tho -_- I didn't hear my phone so I didn't getta see me he left to go home :[ SORRY BABE, IT WAS SWEET OF YOU THOUGH!<3 my superwoman cousin Jackie picked me up for dance &we were off like superwoman &batgirl haha.. We had a good talk on the way there &the way back home. It gave me things to bring up with kyle. So kyle called &I had a break down. I told him everything I felt and how sick&tired I was of our relationship &so confused.. We fought but when things calmed down everything cooled off and we got to have a deep talk.. Something we haven't had for a while.. It got us closer &loving again.. I guess superwoman was right! We've jus been rubbing eachother the wrong way. At least tonight I can actually say GOODnight! (:

Lazzzzy day;

2009-02-24T16:24:00.000-08:00

Todaaay felt soo blaah, tired&sleepy. School was soo boring. Lunch with Tawnya[: No basketball practice. Now just uploading pictures &blogging. Then finishing homework&study for my physics test tmwr. I think Ima go to the Drama-Thon to watch my bestfriend, Malissa Gaitan(: &my Minaaayme Tawnya!<3 I'm so sleepy. Hopefully tmwrs a good day. Tmwr I have my mock-interview for ROP again; basketball practice; dance; &LENT STARTS! I'm giving up myspace, cursing, disrespecting parents, junkfood. Lent gives me motivation I actually accomplish my lent give-ups, so I take advantage of it and say Ima give up all these my bad habits to I actually follow through. Okaay now back to homework!

Night time updates;
Fckingsh!t. I'm so sick of things. I don't giva fck no more. Its ride or die. This is the breaking point. Ohwell. kjdfshjADSJASHD! I needa stop with these stupid distractions.
2nd Night time updates;
So the previous was during my fight with boyfriend. It was all outta anger. I'm pretty cooled off &thinking clearer. So maybe I haven't been a good girlfriend, so maybe I am indecisive and confused. So maybe I don't know if I wanna be with you. How can I want to when I don't get thankyous &just get accused of wants praise&stuff. And then being told I should thankyou for staying with me&putting up with me. WTF? Really?.. Some things you say are ridiculously stupid. First of all if you didn't wanna be with me then don't! Second of all how are you gonna tell me to be thankful? &I do thankyou for those things! Third of all you should thank me! Thank me for those times I was there for you with your problems, for fixing your friendships, for always looking out for you, for tryna to make you feel special!, for tryna show you what a real girlfriends like, for tryna show you, your a great guy who deserves all I do for him! -_- I don't even know. I really need to start focusing on school. Why am I missing you? Why am I crying over you? Why am I wishing I could hear your voice right now? Why is it I always tend to give in, I can never stay mad.. Why do I always hafta wanna be with you.. For once I wish I could stay mad or stay a certain mood for a while. Either made up or broken up I wish I could jus choose one.

Part one of Kyle's birthday present;

Happy birthday, Kyle Yamamoto!;

2009-02-23T01:51:00.000-08:00

Firrssst if alll; Happy birthday baby![: Sooo he doesn't know it but I'm gonna suprise him today! I already texted&comment him saying, "Happy birthday!" at exactly 12, but couldn't tell him on the phone cause his mommy made him get off since he has school, but we dont![:

I'll update about it later.

OKAAAAY SO LEMME TELL YOU BOUT MY DAY FEB 23 2009!;

I wokeup got ready went to the dentist.. The office lady asked me how old I was &I said 16 she was like "WHAAT?! NO WAY! YOUU LOOOK SOOO MUCH OLDER! AT LEAST 18! 16? NO LIAR!" uhh wtf? She told my mom "usually little people look young but your daughter looks so old!" I gueeeeeeeess?! Hahaa anyways! Went home began baking! Made ricekrispies for kyle that said "MKYM" with m&ms and what not ill put a pic later... Josh picked me off &we almost died. He nearly crashed into a car! We got to Bishop and I suprised Kyle!(: homeboy didn't even begin with a thankyou &even Patrick pointed it out on blast "wooow your a dick, I haven't heard a thankyou this whole time!" eh whatever I already know there's no appreciation for things I do. Fuck man. I'm in no fucking mood for this love shit or relationship shit. We just keep drifting apart..&its jus getting worse... so now what? Fuck it style.

Lemme talk about my weekend starting with...
Friday!;
It was already Friday; TGIF. I wokeup confuseeed..got a call from Kyle &went to school. So anyways! After school I went home to pickup money&dropp of shit then went to Steph's! Chilled there for a bit then went to Wallmart, cause Steph wanted airfresheners! The ride there was fun, saying Hi to people&what not![: There were creepy guys at Wallmart then we went to Edwards cause Steph wanted lanyards, but the booth wasn't open, so we went to Store 13 then WestCo Mall. We got in and ran into Adrian, Claude, Chris, Michael, Karen, uhh Girl[sorry I don't remember your name], and Cecilia. We talked chilled and then me&Steph went to look for landyards cos it was akward turtle statuuus. Then we went back.. theeeeen! Me& Cooolgirl&Cece started saying Hi to people and see how many we could say Hi to I got 28![: Then we started hollering &shiii with nerdy guys! Hahha shiiit was funny, goodshitgoodshit. "AYOO BLUEE SHIRT! WHAAADDDUP BLUE SHIRT!" [; Anywayyys then we left &went to the place across from Nogales cauuuse they were gonna have a "crunk session" hahah, I bought a 1.5 liter water bottle for $1.89 thats with tax baby! Theeen I got pickedup went to Edwards theater waited for Kyle&his friends for 40 minutes! -_- It was fucking cold and scary! :[ i wanted to meet at the mall cos knowing kyle he laggs and he was like no why meet at edwards so i did i ended up waiting for 40mins and he kept telling me was "were on our way" and i knew he wasnt so that got me mad and yeah.. then during the movie he kept tryna be touchy but i wasnt in the mood just wanted to watch the movie but then we got better and at the end we were good. but then like i wanted to spend a little more time and he kept being stupid. so then i told him my dad was at bestbuy and he was like you want me to walk you? BUT i was sorta mad still so i said no and he was like ok can i get a hug i gave him a quick hug and he was like wtf was that i kept walking and then i called him &said your the worst boyfriend ever fckyou yeah i was pissed by then &i shouldnt had said that but i was mad. and then i saw his m&ms that i brought him were in my bag so i went back but he wouldnt pickup my call so then i yelled "aye!" and then threw the m&ms at him. blahblah we started fighting i was mad he let me walk by myself i coulda got raped and he was like wow you swear no one ever does and this girl recently did from nogales -_- and we talked after sorta fixed it but now really..
Saturday morning!;
I felt reallly bad and stuuuufffff so I textd him to call me asap. I talked to his homie Eddie and he started to help me plan to suprise Kyle at his bball game. Kyle called and I apologized and we talked then he left to go to SAT prep class. My babys soo cute he suprised me![: It was soooo cute! I loved it<3 Made me forget everything! Theeeen he left :[ I started to work on his poster! I forgot to take a pic of it. But it said "Do your thang!" in teal marker with glitter outline. "lets go!" in cutout letters with basketball paper. "KYLE!" with cutout basketball hademade colored and everything. "ball em up!" in purple marker "love you lotslotslots" in teal marker. Ima make him take a pic so I can show a visual [:
I pickedup Tawnya to keep my company since she knew Jaron who's on the team &I wanted to catch up with her and all that goodstuuff. The game was in La Verne so car ride there we caught up. We got lost for 20 mins cos Eddie gave me the wrong address. We got there and Kyle was suprised[: I did their stats and the game was over we chilled in the parking lot for a while then went to InNout but it was packed so we went to Weinershnitzl and ate. The car ride was fun! We sang to Last night; Keyshia cole. Two girls and a buncha guys lmao! Goooood shit!<3 After dropped Tawnya off and talked to boyfriend.
Sunday!;
Morning call from baby &talked then I fell asleep again. Started to work on Kyle's birthday card. & then made him a big sign. Talked to him &he got kicked off around 11 so I couldn't say Happy birthday on the phone at exactly 12 :[ but I got to text &comment him. Gotta sleeep for Dentist tmwr& suprise! ;]

Quite days, Silent nights;

2009-02-19T17:08:00.000-08:00

Pictures of the two I went to go suprise at Bishop on Tuesday!;

Anyways, So I came across this; something I wanna live by...
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense.., more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch.. TV too much, and pray too! seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space.We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character,.. steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology.. can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete...

Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going.. to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side. Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart.. and it doesn't cost a cent. Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and your loved ones,but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes.. from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for some day that person will not be there again. Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

Lately, My minds been everywhere. I have no clue how I'm feeling or how I'm doing. I feel a bit lost and confused. I just want to focus on school and the importance of life. But, there's a few things in my way. Why can't life be easier?.. In the sense of relationships, friendships, and association. It's already Friday tmwr and I don't feel like going out...with you. I want to have fun, I want to watch the Playoff Rd. 2game for the Varsity boys and then hit a party up with some friends. Whats another weekend without you?..Are we rubbing eachother the wrong way or are we drifting apart? Or is it all just me?..I don't really know. I need some time to think. So much to do, soo little time.

Thursday night!;
Me&Kyle got in a big fight...no suprise. We've been fighting alot for these past two weeks. But basicaaallly I told him I felt we were drifting apart and I wanted to go to the CIF Rd2 game and to a party instead of kickin it with him. He didn't take that very well and got mad. We fought the end. I left him a text saying, "Its obvious our relationship is dying..we're drifting and there's nothing we can do about it, just let it happen. You don't even care anymore and we're both fedup. We should stop fighting &let it happen." :[

Going through my mind..

2009-02-18T21:14:00.000-08:00

When I woke up this morning I couldn't remember any dreams or even dreaming last night. It was pretty cold outside so I decided to wear 6 layers of clothing. School wassss whatevers overall. After school went with Steph to her house chilled&gossipped [; Then Nogales spot with em Nogales kiddds.. then TARGET! Hahah I swear weird shit always happens when I'm with her. Some guy was tryna give away free bootlegged shit then some random azn guy talks to the guy being offered and ask "are you an undercover cop?" wtf.. really your stupid. ANYWAYS, Steph uploaded pics no body came to help so we just left walked around saw a cute guy who really wasn't cute thennnnn we left. Steph stole [: HAHAHA. Then went to get some cheeseburgers cause when we were peeing we both thought of it! :D Six senses or whaaat?! Hahaha. Thennn went home, Jackie came over. Taught her most of the dance &we chitchatted, did our nails..etc.etc. But damn did she open my eyes to stuff...

First of allllllllllllllll!;
I do waaaaaaaaaaay tooo much. I needa stop.
Secooonnnd of allllllllll!;
You don't even meet me HALF WAY.
Thiiiiiiird of alllllllll!;
If you wanna go to a party looking single, then n!gga BE SINGLE.
Fouuuuuuuurth of alllllll!;
APPRECIATE THINGS I DO. Like serriously..at least fake it.
Fifth of all? Wtf!;
GROW UP, BE MUTURE! -__________-

Are we rubbing eachother the wrong way, or is this not meant to be? You tell me! After this I really believe I'm through with guys. I don't ever wanna make sh!t for a guy. How hard is it to make someone a card?, invite them to kickit with your homies or to a party?, whaat is it too much to ask for at least a one day fsure hangout?..or talk on the phone..?, a stupid random suprise..?, or maybe just a stupid put on blast "I love my girlfriend" shit, fuccck anythang?
I love deep talks with my cousin. She makes me feel soo much better! <3
Wow, no phone call tonight..well damn too much to ask for you to go on AIM at least? -_-

SupriseSurpise!

2009-02-17T18:01:00.000-08:00

Soooo I'm tryna blog everyday so I have somewhere to vent. Let me start by talking bout my night last night. Hahaha Malissa Gaitan the best, bestfriend ever! My away talked about how I missed having a bestfriend I could vent to, callup &tell everything from boys to family. I used-to have that but that bestfriend became my boyfriend and its hard to talk to him about HIM. I've always had a guy bestfriend who'd give me advice and their point of view on guys. So Malissa IMed me saying "Let's talk! (: Whatsup? Talk to me bout everything." I love how we've been bestfriends since kinder &though we've drifted apart we're close in heart!<3 I don't needa call her up everyday, kickit outside of school, during school with her to know we got eachother likee ying&yang. She's my better other half. Litterally manggg, She spells her name M-A-L-I-S-S-A [pernounced MahLeeSah]; She's tall, She's half mexican&chinese [I just speak fluent Spanish, she doesn't LMAO!], She's smart, Beautiful, School dedicated, &my inspiration! I love her to death, I honestly couldn't see my life without her.<3 Thankyou soo much Malissa![: I hope you read this! Hahaha justkiddding, bestfriend!<3

Anywaysssss, Today it was raining in the morning I felt sick last night &had five different crazy dreams. I only really remember two, which were bout Kyle &Jon. I guess it was cause me &Fonso were talking about relationships...OH wellll who knows! The first one was Kyle going to a party.. which makes sense since he's been talking bout those alot lately and the other was about Jon, which I don't really remember but Rowland was having some performance thing and he showed up at the end of it wearing a tux of red &black the colors we were planning to wear to Formal. He walked up to me and I turned away he grabbed my arm and pleaded for me to hear him out. He confessed his deep love for me and how everything he's done was a mistake. He said after days of things reminded him for me he's realized he still wanted to be with me. I have noooo fcking clue but it was the weirdest shit ever. Dreams are soooo tripppy. ANYWAYS. Todaaay I went to school looking like crapp &then fourth period came and me &Josh were like lets visit Bishop! Hahaha so I went home to change then we were off to Bishop. Met with Angie, said Hi to Daniel theeeen! Suprised Kyle &brought with me his Valentine's gift. Met his friends and took a picture with him. After that metup with Melanie my physco b!tch!(: We were hugging and who comes our way.. Jon&Regene. Regene hugged me and alll that then Jon completely avoided us but Mel walked me over towards the lockers and there was Jon. We said "Hi" and hugged. Akward turtle staaaaaaaatus. First time I had seen him since Oct. 3rd. Yeah I kno the exact date cause it was our fourteen month anniversary thangg. OH WELL DGAF![: Afttter that went into the Barkada room chilled with Mel&Angie til they had to go to practice around 330 me&Josh left said our goodbye's to everyone. Me&Josh had a very interesting conversation on our way home, good talk(: It was a fun adventure &maybe again next week?! Hahaha. Okaaay nooow back to homework and alll that good stuuuuff!<3
I laaaaaaaaaahve my boyfriend! I miss him lotslotslots!<3(: It was good seeing him after so damn long! :[
Pictures up laaaaataaah.

Unexpected THREE day weekend!;

2009-02-16T11:42:00.000-08:00

A bit of disappointment &depression, but alot of laughter &memories. Let's just say this weekend was BOY-LESS DRAMA FREE! Hahaha sorry Kyle!<3 Though it was Valentine's day weekend, I spent it with the homies instead of my Lovah, but thats okaay cause I DO LOVE my homies(: Hope you feeel better babe!<3 Poooor baby has the flu! :[ Well I'll blog more later &put up pictures [: SO STFU STEPHANIE HAHAH<3 LOVEYOU!

Valentine's day;
I wokeup at 9; fixed myspace; did some homework; bought butter and m&m's; got home around 11ish; ate then started making ricekrispies! For my special Valentine's I made him this. A collage with pictures of us from our first few months of dating, A big valentine's/2month card with pictures, glitterglue, &creativity, and ricekrispies that spell out "MKYM" which stands for MelissaKamiYama &Kyle YamaMoto if you guys can see it, it was something he pointed out which was super cute![: OH, and with the ricekrispies are m&m's cause their his favorite!<3

But he caught the flu and had to stay home all day so I didn't get to see him..instead I chilled with Steph&Justin which was a VERYVERY interesting day! From Hello Kitty stripper to Little boy's tryna HOLLA! OH and girls freeakin staring sicklike at us, "Can I holla? for that DOLLAH!" AHAHHA<3 And I found out Justin can wear heels better than me :[ Pwahha, Good day, good day.

For more pictures of this day; for STEPH7JUSTIN!;
http://s275.photobucket.com/albums/jj318/melissakamiyama02/steph/

Sunday February 15th;
Drove to Uncle's house in SanDimas then went to Brea Mall with mama&daddy! Bought business attire crapp for my ROP interview. Then we ate at the Hat which made me supppper full&sleepy! My daddy made drive around for about 2hrs to Whitter&other places. Then I got home watched tv &fell asleep. Wokeup &talked to Kyle for a little while, poor thang was still sick :[ Theeeen the nighhht was off.
But lemme tell you bought some other night that happen with me&my BFFE'S! For once finallllly all of us came together; Me, Frank, Cindy, Alfred, Jjay, Nick, Justin. We met up at Rowland Park then chilled I had a out burst breakdown cause lately we've all have been having issues/problems with one another BUT NO ONE WANTS TO come out with it. YOU could feel the tension &I was sick of it. SO! I confronted everyone. Nick, Justin &Alfed being cluelesssss kept interupting but it's okaaay [: JJAY CINDY FRANK KNEW WHAT I WAS TALKING BOUT AND ACTED LIKE I WAS CRAZY &NOTHING WAS WRONG. BULLSHIT GUYS YKNO THERE SHIT GOIN ON! Anyways. Basiicaally no one talked... Jjay socked some random kid in the face and we drove off. Then we went to the view. It was freeezing! But it was worth it. I really miss the old times, where everyone was always cracking jokes, smiling, having fun. Now it's akward turtle statuuuus! :[ I really hope everyone gets over this &looks past it so we can all come back together.. Dontchu guys get it? For some of us we have two more years, but for others they graduate this year.. we're not always gonna be together..we're gonna have to go our seprate ways, but before we do we needa squash all the stupidsh!t and be like how we usta be. Busting mission, swimming at Franks, driving around, singing in the car, making videos, etc. I really misss my BFFE's. Best Friends For Eternity!<3 Well after the view we went to get gas I was looking for the bathroom but I walked into the wrong place.. then we went to Wendy's first time for most of us. Then we went to some Hotel place tryna crash this party endedup being a Debut. The hotel was soo scary but it was fun! Then we went to some hill mountain shit and followed the trail HOLLLLY CRAP WAS IT COLD AND WE WENT TO SOOOME RANDOM SCARY ASSS PLACE! Then we all went home [: It got waaaay better towards the night with everyone<3

For more pictures of that day;
http://s275.photobucket.com/albums/jj318/melissakamiyama02/BFFES/

Monday, February 16th;
Wokeup finished my homework, uploaded pictures, &now movies with the cousins. <3
Back from the movies&it was fun. Watched the movie Push which was pretty good. Then we went to Yogurtland and then my house. Daaaamn, I really miss my boyfriend.. I usually see him once every week... I think this is one of the first weekends I haven't and worst part is I don't even getta talk to him cause he's soo sick.. I take forgranted all the times we get to talk, but NOT anymore! Now I know how it feels and I DON'T LIKE IT! :[

&Happy birthday, Krystal! Hope you had a good one!<3

Februuuuuuarrrrrrry?!

2009-02-07T11:23:00.000-08:00

ALREADY?! Second semester has already started, Basketball seasons almost over, Dance is back in business, &Hula is soon to be joined..Daaamnnn this years going by fast now. Only 4 more months &a couple of weeks til I get my License! :D Lifeees good, too busy to update this or go on myspace. Ohhhhweellllls!<3[: